A Magical Mindfulness Formula

Navigating Difficult Conversations

Communication + the Holidays. Right about now you may be wishing that you had brushed up on your communication skills. Picture this: you are at a holiday gathering and get into a conversation with someone doesn’t have the same beliefs that you do. How do you respond to one more alternative fact? 

Maybe you get frustrated and are on the verge of saying something rash. Logically, you know that is not the answer. What is the magic formula to not escalating a difficult situation? Instead of forming a reactionary reply, focus on yourself. This isn’t so hard once you follow a magical mindfulness formula.

Yes, you heard me right. The magic begins with a focus on you. Now, this isn’t about falling into a fantasy world where only you exist. It is about listening objectively to what another is saying while noticing the impact that their words have on you. Trust me, this is not as easy as it sounds. While with practice you don’t become perfect, your ability to navigate difficult conversations become permanent.

There isn’t time to take a six-week course on compassionate listening. This is a bootcamp blog: you learn a simple technique that takes the focus off the words of another and puts it onto the emotions triggered inside of you during a conversation. In this heightened state of awareness, you notice how you are getting caught by the words and body language of another. 

With this knowledge of your triggers, you can slip from a state of high anxiety into a place of calm understanding. You are better able to traverse the minefield of reactions into the calm peace of response. Let’s bootcamp the simple steps: 

1. Center and anchor yourself. A simple way to do this is to walk coordinating the steps to your breath. Inhale as your roll your right foot heel to toe. Exhale as you roll you left foot heel to toe. As you walk connecting breath to movement, affirm your intent to be aware of your reactions to potential triggers. (I do this as I walk from car to front door of a gathering.)

2. During a conversation, play attention with your full body. This means listening with all of your senses and checking in with your body, mind, and emotions. Ask yourself: “Is my body tense or relaxed? What is my internal monologue saying? What is my emotional temperature? What is my body, my mind, and ,y emotions telling me?” This is fact finding  — noticing the mines in the conversation field and how they may trigger your reactions.

3. Objectively use information that you have received about how the conversation is impacting you. Maybe you are able to offer objective comments about the topic. Or, perhaps your body, mind, and spirit are shouting at you: “I am being triggered. I cannot maintain neutral. TIME TO GO!” When you feel that an outburst or meltdown is eminent, stop listening to the conversation. Return to your breath. Feel it flow through your body relaxing away tension. Let it soothe any ruffled emotions. Calm your thoughts. Connect more fully to your core. When you are ready, compassionately end the conversation. (For example, you can say, “It was great talking with you. I want to catch up with [insert name]. Thanks again! Have a terrific holiday.)

Remember, you cannot stop the words or actions of another. You can stop your reactions to them. Defuse the ticking time bomb by focusing on your breath. This gives you the energy to show up as your best self. 

One last thought: come up with an exit strategy when entering a minefield. You may need to leave the gathering all together. That is perfectly okay. Remember, this is about taking care of you by creating an oasis of calm that you can call upon whenever you find yourself triggered. When you have control over you, there is less of an opportunity to be emotionally hijacked. And, while not perfect, your practice of taking care of you becomes permanent. 

Life is all about you. The only way you can help others is by first helping yourself. 

Van Hurst, ms, is an intuitive-coach-catalyst. As a contemplative coach, she uses mindfulness practices and intuition tools to create strategies for navigating the mundane and extraordinary. The result of time with Van? Being the change you want to see in the world by creating a blueprint for your life through a deeper connection to your intuition and contemplative nature. 

Van is a professional speaker & author who weaves inner wisdom into all she touches. Her books are available @ www.wildefyrpress.com. Her most recent book, As Natural As Breathing: Being Intuitive, is available on Amazon. Contact Vanessa for life coaching, intuitive consultations, keynotes, and programs.

Website / LinkedIn Profile / Facebook / Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2022

Resolution Free Zone

Darkness drapes me in her fragrant embrace. My heart beats wildly. What lurks in the dark? And, is something slithering across me or is it the breeze blowing through the cracks in my soul? I do not know. 

The tempo of my heart increases. Instead of being carried into the place of fear, I remind myself to breathe: Inhale. Listen. Exhale. Let go. Reminding myself that I am safe, I inhale and exhale over and over again until I connect to the courage sparking from my soul. 

Today as I celebrate the winter solstice, I find myself wanting to leap across this dark chasm into 2021…perhaps I will forego the winter and land smack dab in the middle of March. Three months into 2021, the dark will be no longer and the tiny stems of my being will be preparing to shoot from the ground of my being into the newness of me. 

Then logic, and the fact that I do not own a time machine, kick in. I must live through the dark carefully sifting through what seeds to nurture and which to toss into the compost pile. This next year, 2021, is unlike any other (but aren’t they all?). This is the big 6-0 for me. I find myself reflecting upon how I want to nurture myself into being over the next nine months. This is not so much a resolution for me but a commitment to living from my core. 

A commitment from the core. What does that even mean? And, how is it different from a New Year’s resolution? For me, this commitment is a call to look past the superficials like “I want to lose weight” or “I want to exercise more” to how I really need to live. So I dig furrows into the whys of the change I need to plant within my soul. 

This change means letting go of habits that no longer serve me (us). The reason why we develop those habits we yearn to restructure is a complex one for sure. I am not a therapist who can unravel the reason or reasons why habits develop and are sustained. Instead, I am a mentor who can pose questions, listen to your responses, and help you become your best self. Evolving into your best self means working with those slithering things in the dark and navigating the dark with your intuition. (This year I am going to be my best client!)

So, how de we get to our best self? Let me share one of my favorite, most powerful tools: journaling. I am a big journaler. As I write, the emotions that I experience leach from my pen onto the paper. As the page fills, I empty myself until I am objective enough to really look at the events unfolding in my life. This means that I am less attached to my reactions, more aware of my judgments, and not so defensive about what I am writing about. In my objectivity I can see clearly see my triggers and the resulting implosions. I learn how to navigate the minefield of triggers. It is in this navigation that I shift happens and become the real me. 

By journaling, I own who I am even when I slip and fall. After I acknowledge my imperfections, I breathe deeply into the calm. The whispers of self-compassion caress my woundedness. I commit to a somatic memory the feelings that led up to that flipped trigger. I immerse myself in self care/self-compassion/self love. 

After my journal processing, I re-enter my life with a new awareness. I attend to my body, mind, and heart alert to what tatters the the threads of my spirit. These spirit threads weave through my body, mind, and heart connecting all four aspects of self. Those spirit threads are what makes me real. (They makes you real, too.) Once real, I can make choices to neutralize any triggers and be myself regardless of what slithers in the dark or reflects brightly in the light. 

Unfortunately, this commitment to being me isn’t lived on a straight line from now to then. I am quite sure that the next nine months or so will see a detour or twelve. But, this year, I will not have resolutions. I am committed to planting me deep within the dark, fertile soil of my soul and attending to the whispers of dark that slither within me making room for me to grow.

How about you? How do you become objective about your life? What are you committing to in 2021? 

 

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is an Intuitive-Coach-Catalyst, who uses mindfulness practices and intuition tools to create strategies for personal and relationship transformation. She is a professional speaker & author who weaves inner wisdom into all she touches. Her books are available @ www.wildefyrpress.com. Her most recent book, As Natural As Breathing: Being Intuitive, is available on Amazon. Contact Vanessa for life coaching, intuitive consultations, keynotes, and programs.

Website / LinkedIn Profile / Facebook 

Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2020 /

Connecting to Your Most Magical Mindful Self (Recouping After A Difficult Conversation)

A magical mindfulness formula for difficult conversations. Did you read that blog? Better yet, did you practice the formula? (If you missed the blog, it is available here.) Are you ready to take the next magical mindful step? Let’s dive deeper into mindfulness for recouping after a difficult conversation.

As soon as I can after a difficult conversation, I spend some time debriefing and defusing. By debriefing I mean that I get dig into how I reacted during the conversation. By defusing, I mean that I allow all the residual gunk — thoughts, emotions, physical sensations — to leach from my system. How do I debrief and defuse? I begin by recognizing that I view the world through a unique lens. Naming that lens helps me understand the why and how of how an interaction went the way that it did. 

Maybe you are saying, but, Van, I’m not sure I need to know all that. And, isn’t debriefing and defusing a lot of work? I would say that yes, it is work, but we all need to know what flips our triggers. I mean, if we don’t know why we did what we did, then we will flip the same triggers over and over again. We will never grow past our reactions. And, life is about meeting challenges and learning our life lessons no matter how difficult or exasperating the situation we find our self in. It is about shifting from reaction to response. How else do we live our soul purpose? 

So, here’s another bootcamp blog lesson. Our reality is viewed from a specific lens that are our judgments and assumptions. If you don’t know how you form the lens or what filters you have in place, you never really know if the world is just an elaborate illusion or if what you see is what truly is. That is the why of debriefing and defusing.

Dr. Chris Srgyris has a tool that I use. It is called the ladder of inference. (Here is a video on the Ladder.)  He postulated that our responses and reactions are based upon our beliefs. So, let’s dive into those. 

Think about a recent interaction. It doesn’t need to be one that exploded. It can be a gentle memory that impacted you. Choose an interaction that feels important to you. Sit quietly. Breathe into your center. Get it touch with the memory.

• How were you most impacted by the memory? It could be a physical sensation, a thought, an emotions. Perhaps it is a combination of the three. Create a multi-sensory image of how you were impacted. 
• Why were you impacted by the happening? Identify what triggered you. Name the triggers. (Please note that a triggering is not always negative. They can bring us to joy or happiness.) Name the why using 3-5 descriptors (typically adjectives.)
• Ask yourself what belief those 3-5 words represent. That is the belief, the truth, that brought you to your response/reaction.
• Reflect: how does this belief color your world?
• Introspect: does the belief need to shift or is it part of your truth? 
• The final step: return to that memory and has it impacted hour body. Set a timer for 3 minutes. During that time objectively feel the memory. Don’t cling to it. Let it go. Create a calm in place of the memory. That is the defusing of the trigger. 

Use the information received when you navigate another difficult conversation. In this way you reconnect with your truth and show up as your best, most authentic self no matter how difficult the situation you find yourself in. 

Here’s to showing up as our most magical, mindful self this season and beyond!

 Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is an Intuitive-Coach-Catalyst, who uses mindfulness practices and intuition tools to create strategies for personal and relationship transformation. She is a professional speaker & author who weaves inner wisdom into all she touches. Her books are available @ www.wildefyrpress.com. Her most recent book, As Natural As Breathing: Being Intuitive, is available on Amazon. Contact Vanessa for life coaching, intuitive consultations, keynotes, and programs.

Website / LinkedIn Profile / Facebook 

Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2020

A Magical Mindfulness Formula For Difficult Conversations

Communication + the Holidays. Right about now you may be wishing that you had brushed up on your communication skills. Picture this: you are at a holiday gathering and get into a conversation with someone doesn’t have the same beliefs that you do. How do you respond to one more alternative fact? 

Maybe you get frustrated and are on the verge of saying something rash. Logically, you know that is not the answer. What is the magic formula to not escalating a difficult situation? Instead of forming a reactionary reply, focus on yourself. This isn’t so hard once you follow a magical mindfulness formula.

Yes, you heard me right. The magic begins with a focus on you. Now, this isn’t about falling into a fantasy world where only you exist. It is about listening objectively to what another is saying while noticing the impact that their words have on you. Trust me, this is not as easy as it sounds. While with practice you don’t become perfect, your ability to navigate difficult conversations become permanent.

There isn’t time to take a six-week course on compassionate listening. This is a bootcamp blog: you learn a simple technique that takes the focus off the words of another and puts it onto the emotions triggered inside of you during a conversation. In this heightened state of awareness, you notice how you are getting caught by the words and body language of another. 

With this knowledge of your triggers, you can slip from a state of high anxiety into a place of calm understanding. You are better able to traverse the minefield of reactions into the calm peace of response. Let’s bootcamp the simple steps: 

1. Center and anchor yourself. A simple way to do this is to walk coordinating the steps to your breath. Inhale as your roll your right foot heel to toe. Exhale as you roll you left foot heel to toe. As you walk connecting breath to movement, affirm your intent to be aware of your reactions to potential triggers. (I do this as I walk from car to front door of a gathering.)

2. During a conversation, play attention with your full body. This means listening with all of your senses and checking in with your body, mind, and emotions. Ask yourself: “Is my body tense or relaxed? What is my internal monologue saying? What is my emotional temperature? What is my body, my mind, and ,y emotions telling me?” This is fact finding  — noticing the mines in the conversation field and how they may trigger your reactions.

3. Objectively use information that you have received about how the conversation is impacting you. Maybe you are able to offer objective comments about the topic. Or, perhaps your body, mind, and spirit are shouting at you: “I am being triggered. I cannot maintain neutral. TIME TO GO!” When you feel that an outburst or meltdown is eminent, stop listening to the conversation. Return to your breath. Feel it flow through your body relaxing away tension. Let it soothe any ruffled emotions. Calm your thoughts. Connect more fully to your core. When you are ready, compassionately end the conversation. (For example, you can say, “It was great talking with you. I want to catch up with [insert name]. Thanks again! Have a terrific holiday.)

Remember, you cannot stop the words or actions of another. You can stop your reactions to them. Defuse the ticking time bomb by focusing on your breath. This gives you the energy to show up as your best self. 

One last thought: come up with an exit strategy when entering a minefield. You may need to leave the gathering all together. That is perfectly okay. Remember, this is about taking care of you by creating an oasis of calm that you can call upon whenever you find yourself triggered. When you have control over you, there is less of an opportunity to be emotionally hijacked. And, while not perfect, your practice of taking care of you becomes permanent. 

Life is all about you. The only way you can help others is by first helping yourself. 

 

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is an Intuitive-Coach-Catalyst, who uses mindfulness practices and intuition tools to create strategies for personal and relationship transformation. She is a professional speaker & author who weaves inner wisdom into all she touches. Her books are available @ www.wildefyrpress.com. Her most recent book, As Natural As Breathing: Being Intuitive, is available on Amazon. Contact Vanessa for life coaching, intuitive consultations, keynotes, and programs.

Website / LinkedIn Profile / Facebook 

Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2020 / 

A Time of Rubber Bands & Bubble Gum

Sometimes it feels that my life is held together by brittle bubble gum and stretched-out rubber bands. 2020 has been a year; it is a true example of our challenges screaming at us even when we have identified them and are responding. Within the seemingly constant tumult, I find myself wondering if I have the courage and the strength to navigate through the increasing chaos to a place of peace. 

As long as I take this journey mindfully, step by step, I believe that I do. I believe that you do, too. Because life is truly lived in those little moments. Sure, we can ride on the energy of the big stuff — a new job, a new relationship, the birth of a child. The energy that flows from them is a brief energizer of our life. Soon enough these uplifting feelings diminish. Energy depleted, we find our self exactly where we were before the energy burst. 

When we are aware in the mundane moments, our eyes are intuitively drawn to the extraordinary. By extraordinary, I mean those things and situations from which our intuition speaks. These may present as a message of hope, a message of direction, or a message that reminds us to breathe. The extraordinary reflects the sacred manifest in our self, others, and all of creation.

An amazing thing happens when we focus on our breath. We hear the messages hidden within our body — the tensions, the relaxed, the memories that surface through movement. We feel as our breath interacts with these messages empowering us to formulate a response. For example, when I focus on my breath, I feel muscles releasing and thoughts clearing. My intuition gently wafts to the surface nudging me to listen, understand, and respond.

I might not be able to change all of the uncertainty in my world. I can only identify that one more thing that threatens to break my fatigued rubber band and shatter that brittle chewing gum. This identification is the beginning of taking care of myself. In my self care I gain the strength to be the beauty of who I am regardless of the forces that would ask me to be ugly.

So, sometimes life feels like it is held together by brittle bubble gum and stretched too thin rubber bands, but by focusing on my breath, I am the calm that releases fatigued hopelessness and brings a new day. And,  you, too, can be that calm. 

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is an Intuitive-Coach-Catalyst, who uses mindfulness practices and intuition tools to create strategies for personal and relationship transformation. She is a professional speaker & author who weaves inner wisdom into all she touches. Her books are available @ www.wildefyrpress.com. Contact Vanessa  (vanessa@intentandaction.com) for life coaching, intuitive consultations, keynotes, and programs.

Website / LinkedIn Profile / Facebook / Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2020