When I was young, I remember watching a sci fi flick (I think it was War of the Worlds). In it, a priest attempted to befriend aliens. He was annihilated by their weapons. About the same time as watching this movie, I remember being encouraged to be friends with everyone. Neither situation took into consideration that there might be something untenable, harmful, in the interaction. Or, maybe we relied on the belief that we are suited in the kevlar of privilege and nothing could happen to us.
What I have learned is that relationship is not possible with everyone. In fact, sometimes it is okay not interact with another. And, that does not make us bad people. It is not a reflection on our humanity. It in no way highlights our wrongness. Rather, it highlights our power of discernment. Discerning enough to see a world filled with beautiful colors and plenty of gray while recognizing that gray comes from a mixture of black and white — so black and white does exist.
When answering, “Why can’t we all get along?” let’s look at the roots of heinous acts and what a compassionate response entails. Where there is suffering, compassion asks us to stand in our power and be a protector while reminding our self that it is perfectly okay not to get along with perpetrators of suffering.
It is a gaslighting fallacy to believe that we must get along with all people or that there is something wrong with our humanity because we choose to not engage another who has committed harmful acts. We know at the core of our being that we cannot get along with everyone. Not getting along with someone does not give us the right to harm a person or cause suffering. To choose not to engage another person is an act of self compassion.
I get that we are all human. Instead of accepting the premise that we are part of the problem, compassion asks that we be true to our self. We compassionately hold others accountable for their actions. We practice self compassion by only inviting those we trust into our circle. No harm, no foul comes from this trust.
The word respect gets bandied about a lot. “Respect others,” we are told. Now that is tricky, for we respect the goodness in another while holding them compassionately accountable for the harm that their words and actions do. To respect while not holding them accountable is to invite them into our circle of influence giving them additional fertile ground to cause harm. And, that is not the practice of compassion.
Almost two years ago, I began an incredible learning experience that continues to this day. Although I’ve shed tears, felt anger and despair, I have been given incredible opportunities to be the emissary of compassion. During this time, I have discovered what it means to be privileged as a white woman. And, how incredibly privileged I am despite my challenges.
As a result of my intentional learning, I now have relationships with people whose fears I cannot even imagine: What might happen to them because of the color of their skin, their sexual orientation, their gender identification, their ethnicity, or their country of origin. Those fears are just the tip of the iceberg.
I might never be able to understand the harshness of their experiences, but I can better understand the unevenness that is bred by privilege. And, I can better understand the detrimental effects the hate-fear spewing of others has upon both individuals and the collective consciousness. That is why I hear compassion say, “To get along may appear to condone the harmful actions of another. Sometimes we cannot all get along because we must protect the vulnerable in our midst. Respect others at their core, but hold them to my standard — the Compassion standard.”
As we grow an inclusive, diverse community, we must ask ourselves over and over again, “Why can’t we all get along?” When circumstances do not permit us to form a cohesive community, we must ask our self, “What needs to happen to create an inclusive, diverse, welcoming community?” The answers are about resetting social norms and societal exceptions while reaffirming what is right and true and compassionate.
In my book, A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships, I write about the importance of discernment in relationships. We do not have to be friends with everyone. In fact, when we indiscriminately form relationships, we wear so many faces that, ultimately, we lose our self. The purpose of relationship is to discover who we are and shine that light on the core of another. We need not and must not share this intimacy with everyone.
Let’s return to the question that Compassion asks, “Why can’t we all get along?” Because some live by norms that are inherently hurtful and harmful to others. And, like addressing the bully on the playground, we need to find a way to encourage them to live by a set of norms fashioned by compassionate response. Until we all live by this set of life changing norms, there will be an inability for us all to get along. In this uncertain world and with each of our imperfections, that is perfectly okay.
Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Life Coach through Intuitive Connection, creates effective strategies for transformation by connecting her clients to their intuition. She is a professional speaker and author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Her books are available @ www.wildefyrpress.com. Contact Vanessa @ vanessa@intentandaction.com for life coaching, keynotes, programs, and intuitive consultations.
Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2019
