A Long Loving Look

Remember waking on January 1^st with great intentions and creating a slew of New Year’s resolutions? Then by February 1^st realizing that there was no way to continue on with those resolutions? How many times have we believed that this is the year that we will transform our lives? Yet, as the days march into weeks and then into months, we find our self sliding back into old ruts. We are unable to sustain new patterns as the lure of old habits is too enticing.

I wonder how many of us have taken a long, loving look at our lives before creating those New Year’s resolutions. What happens when we create an intentional plan based upon a realistic view of our goals in light of our capabilities? What happens when we stretch our self a bit instead of overextending our self? The answer to both questions is that we have a better chance of transformation through reasonable resolutions.

How do we take that long, loving look? The first step is to designate at least one hour for self-reflection. During this time, reflect upon past learnings and successes. You might want to focus on a period of time no longer than the past year.

Some reflection points:

What are your successes?

What about them makes them successes?

What do you wish had gone differently?

What did you learn from those challenges?

After responding to each question, spend a few moments in silence.

Breathe into those moments of perceived success. Honor the steps that you have taken toward transformation. Name how you have transformed. Anchor in those life giving changes you have made. Celebrate the successes. (You may want to dance, sing, shout — use your body, mind, spirit, and heart to celebrate.)

Breathe into those moments of challenge. Notice how your body, mind, spirit, and heart react to your answers. Consciously and intentionally breathe compassion into any part of your body that is holding angst, anger, or feelings of failure. Forgive yourself for perceived failures as you breathe compassion into your thoughts, your emotions, and your spirit. Shower yourself with the grace of self-compassion. Affirm that while you cannot change the past, you can use the learnings to transform in this, and subsequent, moments.

Then, return to those findings you unearthed during reflection. Ask yourself, “How do I want to continue?” “What do I need to tweak to stay on course?” Answer these questions intentionally. Your resolutions or goals for the New Year are birthed from this assessment. Decide what next steps will move you toward your goals and life purpose. What small things can you do today that make a big difference in the tomorrows? How will your transformation mirror who you are in the ground of your being?

This is your long loving look.

Resolutions are not static. They are evolving, dynamic, and flexible. Instead of promising that you will hold on to your resolutions for a year, try them on for 21-days. On day 21, take another long, loving look — how did those resolutions work? Are your goals reachable using the current resolutions? How do you need to tweak your plan? Then do so. Remember, you haven’t failed, you are modifying your plan in order to obtain personal transformation. The resolutions aren’t the object; they are the means of obtaining the goal — sustained transformation.

We live in community. Sometimes you need a bit of help on your journey. A mindful coach guides your journey from identifying goals to creating plans to facilitating the process of transformation. Interested? Contact me for more information. Ask about the New Year special! (Appointments available in person, Skype, or by phone.)

Vanessa F. Hurst is a Mindful Coach, Compassion Consultant, Professional Speaker, and Author who interweaves her inner wisdom in all she touches. Contact Vanessa

Her books are A Constellation of Connections: ContemplativeRelationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action.

More from Vanessa: www.intentandaction.com

Balance in the Unevenness: Forgiveness

I want my heart to expand into forgiveness. I want to dance in the unevenness of suffering and find balance. I want to forgive by accepting my role in the hurt while recognizing your humanness. I want to stop blaming and be a compassionate forgiver.

I want my heart to heal — to stop picking at the scab or bumping my bruises. I want to trust and love and not be afraid to be in relationship for fear that I will be hurt. I want to live knowing that we are all human and are doing the best we can.

Maybe, just maybe, I need to see this hurt filled suffering as no harm/no foul. My being hurt is less about the cruelty of you pushing me away, and more about me fitting in. Maybe I really don’t fit in your world, and the fear of ever fitting in anywhere is the root of my suffering. Maybe the healing starts with the realization that we are all not meant to walk together down the same path. Maybe I need to accept this reality.

I can better understand the root of my suffering in this alternate reality. Here I can gather the resources to heal my heart, and you have the space to heal yours. Within this new way of being, instead of the light seeping through the cracks caused by an unevenness in our relationship, the light illuminates the cracks. We see where our perceptions are fragmented. We gain the clarity of vision to engage in spiritual kintsugi.* Cracks sealed, we recognize that our vessels are stronger for our suffering.

Vessel repaired, the light now has only one path on which to beam brightly through the opening in our heart. Filled with compassion, we beam through this opening and navigate the crooked path of life purpose. No longer filled with the hurt of unforgiveness, we are impelled to journey the most perfect path through life’s uncertainty.

My heart hears these words. I can feel their resonance. Now for my head to believe so that it doesn’t fight so much with the other three aspects of my self. For my mind is good at revving my emotions and triggering physical reactions in order to clog the entry of Void. Filled with the distraction of unforgiveness, I often forget that this Void is the true home of my spirit  — my connection to the Sacred.

I forget because I am so wrapped up in the hurt and the anger. I am caught up in self-righteous indignation fueled by the assumption that I have failed yet again. Trapped in this cycle of suffering, I do not even recognize the healing power of forgiveness. I forget that the barriers that prevent me from entering the home of my spirit are dissolved through compassionate forgiveness.

Instead of engaging compassionate forgiveness, I try to make that place of suffering fit — round peg slipping through a square hole. When will I realize that I am never going to have those perfect 90-degree angles that are not so perfect for me? About the time I realize that I am a round peg trying to force myself to live in a square world. Forgiveness asks that I let go of the illusion of what I want and accept what I need.

Maybe forgiveness comes by being okay with who I am — through recognizing my (or your) inner coolness, those awesome parts of who I am (you are). Maybe forgiveness comes with being okay that I am an acquired taste. And, realizing that not everyone will like chocolate with a dash of chili. And, that is okay because I don’t like banana peppers on pizza.

Maybe, just maybe, forgiveness comes when we accept our self for who we are. Maybe forgiveness isn’t so much about the other but a practice self compassion.

Wishing you the compassion of forgiveness,

Vanessa

*Spiritual kintsugi is a energetic way of healing our self. The four aspects of our self (body, mind, spirit, and heart) crack as does Raku (Japanese pottery).  Raku is repaired by sealing the cracks with gold. The repaired vessel is much stronger, durable, than the original. We can pour the gold of healing into our self and become like repaired pottery — more durable, stronger than before.

Vanessa F. Hurst is a Mindful Coach, Compassion Consultant, Professional Speaker, and Author who weaves her inner wisdom in all she is. Contact Vanessa

Her books are A Constellation of Connections:Contemplative Relationships and EngagingCompassion Through Intent & Action. 

Join her Facebook Community. 

Follow her on Twitter: @fyrserpent

Navigating the Dark

Snow is falling somewhere. Looking out my kitchen window the last green leaves are turning brown. The cold is whispering into my bones. Oh, and, the snow is falling somewhere.

As we edge closer to the shortest day of the year, the darkness seems more pervasive. Maybe it is the sudden onset of cold after a long, hot summer followed by a brief but warm autumn. Maybe it is the cloud cover and the lack of sun. Maybe my eyes are closed and I cannot see the bright flickers of compassionate presence all around me.  No matter the reason, I remind myself to rest gently in the darkness and listen.

Someone reminded me a couple of weeks ago that light doesn’t banish the dark. “Vanessa, turning on a light just allows the cockroaches to scatter,” he said as I shuddered at the image. But, he was right: we cannot rid our self of anything when we turn on the light. The only magic the light brings is awareness. We see clearly and use this clarity to navigate through the challenges and lessons that live in the dark.

I have found two things are important for navigating the dark. The first is self-compassion. Alleviating our personal suffering begins with an intentional, loving look at our personal real. We look at what is happening from our unique perspective and are honest about what we see. Maybe the world is still a dark, scary, unsettling place, but at least we know that.

Through a loving look at our real, we gain knowledge. Knowledge is the fuel that powers us through our challenges into the new. On the way to this new, our woundedness is revealed. From our wounds seep suffering. Without the long, loving look, we may continue to ignore the wounds or deny their presence in our life.

But, the long loving look will not allow us to live in the dark unaware. Through it, we better understand our suffering. We open our heart to our self. Compassion directed toward the self is permission giving and soul healing. As we acknowledge why we feel the way we feel, we lance the boil of our suffering. We fill this cleansed space with compassion.

The second important component is connection. We are not meant to live in isolation. Relationship is the human condition. Together we are stronger. When we listen to one another, and are listened to, we gain information that leads to a broader understanding. This understanding is a vehicle through which compassion travels to our self, other, across the global community — compassion travels throughout this wild, wonderful world.

With each person we connect, our collective light shines brighter. We really see. With our vision cleared, we feel and hear the integrity nested in each heart. Heartbeat to heartbeat, we connect in compassion. The darkness doesn’t dissipate. Through our hearts’ connection we walk through the dark showering sparks of compassion that lay in the wake of each connection.

The darkness is not a place where we close our eyes and slumber. The darkness merely asks that we acknowledge our fear. Eyes wide open, we act not to harm but to alleviate. We act to meet challenges and bring our self, individually and collectively, into a new day. The dark requires that we engage our life fully armed with compassion. With courage and curious daring, we shift the world in beautiful ways.

Together we don’t banish the darkness; we navigate through it into a brighter, more compassionate place. A spark of light is only spark until it is joined by another and another and another. Join me in building a bonfire of compassion,

Vanessa

Vanessa F. Hurst is a Mindful Coach, Compassion Consultant, Professional Speaker, and Author who interweaves her inner wisdom in all she touches. Contact Vanessa

Her books are A Constellation of Connections: ContemplativeRelationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action.

More from Vanessa: www.intentandaction.com