I am no longer a “yes” (wo)man. You know, the person who will do anything for everyone. I am no longer the first volunteer am readily be drafted without thought of how I might be negatively impacted. What happened? I realized how debilitating saying yes when I should have said no can be.
Once I acknowledged the suffering that I inadvertently caused myself, I reflected upon what it meant to be compassionate. While saying no instead of yes seems counterintuitive to being compassionate, I learned that saying “no” was the most powerful act of self compassion.
Although my shift from arbitrarily saying yes to everything to intentionally discerning where to help was gradual, the need to courageously stand in my own power was emphasized during a brief conversation in which decided not to volunteer. In the past volunteering for the organization had been emotionally draining. Realizing this, I declined to volunteer.
When I decided not to help, my no was challenged. I was asked, “What part of that is compassionate?” My reply? “That would be called self compassion.” I am not sure who was more surprised by those words. At the end of the conversation, I was empowered by my self compassion.
As a result of that conversation, I recognized my transition from being a yes (wo)man to a practitioner of self compassion. I accepted that ultimately the responsibility for my suffering was not triggered by the person who sought my help. Rather, my suffering was rooted in a strong desire to help another regardless of its impact on me.
In moving away from an unconditional “yes,” I separated my desires from the needs of the person or organization requesting my help. Self compassionate demands that I recognize when helping is life giving for me and when it triggers suffering. I practice compassion to all concerned even when others question my actions.
Living a compassion filled life has created an understanding that in every interaction is an exchange of energy. Before agreeing to a specific task or interaction, I discern how I am energized or depleted by my decision. Thus, my decision becomes about me and what I need instead of my fears about what I will not receive. I realize that compassion asks that we do not give our self away. Compassion requires that we act in ways that balance our outpouring of compassion with the filling of our well of compassion. In this balancing we become a compassionate presence in a world of suffering.
Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Mindful Coach, Compassion Consultant, Professional Speaker, and Author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Vanessa offers Neural Synchrony™ sessions to assist clients in navigating their life paths with intuition. Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action. Contact Vanessa for keynotes, programs, and consultations.
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