Listening
with intent is natural when our focus is in the present moment. This listening might be with our ears to hear
words, with our eyes when reading, smelling with our nose, tasting with our
mouth, or feeling with any part of our body.
With our senses, we are hyperaware to what is occurring. We recognize our potential to react or to respond.
All our gathered
information provides the foundation for compassionate response. If we follow our usual pattern of
conversation, half processed words may burst out of our mouth cutting off
another’s words. Our reactionary comments
are not conducive to entering into a dialogue of understanding. We become mired in misunderstanding; the
journey to common ground becomes impossible.
A
compassionate conversation has three definable parts. It begins with bi-listening — we gather
external information while being aware of our judgments, assumptions, and
beliefs. The next step, the pause is
arguably most important to the conversation.
In this time of physical silence, we create our response. The pause begins when the other person stops
speaking, and continues as we gather our thoughts and form potential responses
and reactions.
During this physical
silence and pause in the conversation, we formulate our words. We are ever mindful of the potential impact of
what we say. We weave compassion into both
our words and the energy behind them. In
the pause we decide if our response is compassionate or reactionary.
This pause
may be a brief as 15-20 seconds. (This
time may not seem so brief when we are in it!) In moments of quiet, we reach into the core of
our being and tap into compassion. This
moment, no matter how short, provides the time to recognize angst and to choose
not to react from it. We de-escalate potentially
hurtful reactions.
Being
compassionate doesn’t mean that we forego honesty. When we respond in ways that are
compassionate, are our words loving, gentle, and true. The timbre and cadence
of our voice and our body language clearly models our compassionate
stance. We disagree in gentle,
non-hurtful ways and ask questions that bring greater understanding. We speak in “I” language and accept
responsibility for our beliefs and judgments while respecting the beliefs and
views of another.
Practice: Before an upcoming conversation, spend a few
moments alone. Focus on your breathing.
Be aware of how your mind is pulled by distractions. Name the distractions. Visualize your breath
entering your body. With each inhale
your body further relaxes. If you have
an expectation for the conversation, name it. Open yourself to listening without expectation
or agenda.
Enter the
conversation. Listen to the external
conversation. Pay attention to what judgments, assumptions, and beliefs surface
internally.
Take time
after the person finishes speaking to gather your thoughts. Before speaking, use the compassion litmus
test. Are your words loving, gentle, and
kind? Are there any barbs of hurt? If you
notice hurt in your response, rescript.
(Compassion requires honesty.
Honesty doesn’t have to hurt!)
As you
respond, pay particular attention to how your partner responds and reacts through
body language and spoken words. Script
your response based upon what you notice.
Continue the
dialogue using this model of listen with intent, respond with compassion.
Listening
with intent and responding with compassion isn’t difficult, but like most life
skills, it takes practice.
Practicing
compassion,
Vanessa
Vanessa F. Hurst is a Community Builder who consults with
organizations to strengthen stakeholder relationships and improve
organizational culture. Her program
“Listen with Intent, Respond with Compassion” creates a rich, dynamic space
where trust increases and understanding occurs.
Through this experiential training, participants discover what prevents
them from listening objectively and with an open mind.
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