Compassion & the Barnacles of Suffering

We’ve all been there — or maybe I’d like to believe that — where we hold on to something that is no longer working. Maybe it is a job or a relationship or something totally different. We stay because we are trapped in the illusion of hope. We cannot let go and make room for the new.

Then seemingly unexpected, the ending happens despite our best effort to hold on. We lose a job, end a relationship. This may be the beginning of the end. We are stuck in energetic ties of yearning. We are blinded by the illusion of what could have been. Our suffering deepens.

The possibility of new beginnings is just out of reach. Instead of alleviating our suffering, we exacerbate it with our doubts, shame, and despair. Instead of healing, our wounded heart collapses under the weight of our suffering. 

In these moments of despair, there is only one thing that we can do — engage our self compassion. This isn’t the self compassion of taking a day, going for a walk, or engaging in small acts of goodness for our self. This is the difficult act of self compassion that begins by exposing the barnacles of our fears and feelings of lack. We acknowledge the ways that we feel we have failed our self. 

This exercise of self compassion is about us. We don’t focus on the others actions. We identify those barnacles of suffering clinging to our soul and begin the process of sloughing them from our being. We recognize that through the removal of these barnacles, we clear the way to seeing who we are at the ground of our being. 

One thing that helps me in this self compassion exercise is journaling. I write in short burst phrases, sentences, and meandering paragraphs. Anytime I find myself blaming another, I bring myself back to my feelings. I objectively allow the anger, angst, or fear to burn brightly without reacting. 

With the light of my burning feelings, I can see what is hidden beneath the barnacle. What I discover is the root of my suffering. This is what needs to be healed so that I can heal and, once again, be connect to the hope in my heart.  

Seldom is this exercise in self compassion a quick fix. I journal over and over again sloughing off layer upon layer of barnacles until the wounds heal and the skin of my soul is shining with peace. Any scars that remain are not a reminder of my suffering, but a badge of a lesson successfully learned. Suffering confronted, I am a beacon of hope for myself and the world.

Now it’s your turn! Find a way to expose the barnacles of your suffering — maybe through journaling, maybe through artwork, maybe seeing a therapist, or maybe something uniquely you. Confront the barnacles compassionately again and again until they release. In the letting go, your ending is complete. The beginning that was waiting to start? Well, it has been there all along.  

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Neural Synchrony™ facilitator, professional speaker, and author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action. Vanessa assists clients in navigating their life paths with intuition. Contact Vanessa @ vanessa@intentandaction.com for keynotes, programs, and consultations.

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Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2018

The Compassion of Showing Up

The sun hadn’t quite peeked over the horizon. Talisien, my wyvern cat had decided my slumber was over. She playfully scratched and bit me awake. No amount of burrowing under the covers gave me respite. The sun had not risen and my Tali needed to play. Those were two undisputed facts. I could not change these exterior events. I could only shift my reaction to them into a response.

Life is like that. How many times do we wish for something — be it fifteen more minutes of sleep or a new job? Our wish doesn’t happen. We are disappointed. We find our self stuck in circumstances seemingly beyond our control. What do we do? We can be mired in the frustration and burrow into our despair. Or, we can look for the possibility, the hope that the moment brings. Me? I usually have a hybrid reaction-response. What begins as despair shapeshifts into hope-filled possibility.

It is an indisputable fact that no matter how much we try to change the world around us, the only change that we can manifest is that inside of our self. The key to creating a more compassionate world is to strengthen our own compassionate heart. It is within us — this world changer — and is present within the transformation of our self. The world changes through each compassionate response. 

So what does this mean? Transformation is a result of acting from an empathetic heart and a nonjudgmental mind. We do not attempt to “walk in the other person’s shoes” — it is impossible to truly experience the plight of another. We do, to the best of our ability, understand the depth of their suffering. Although we know that our way only works for us, joining with others creates a new paradigm complete with the potential for change on a greater level.

But, this kind of change is beyond difficult. When in community, we need to show up as our best, authentic self while holding space for others to do the same. Setting aside our agendas and our need to be right, we show up as a servant leader — humble and vulnerable. And, if we do this, we have a chance to create something bigger, better, more transformative than we as individuals could ever imagine. 

Our willingness to be our best self coupled with our commitment to show up with the intent to remain our best self alter our perception of the world. We hear the door of opportunity creak open. We slip inside prepared to continue our transformation as individuals and community. This powers transformation in the world.

And, yes, I forwent those 15 minutes of sleep and joined Talisien’s clowder. 

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Neural Synchrony™ facilitator, professional speaker, and author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action. Vanessa assists clients in navigating their life paths with intuition. Contact Vanessa @ vanessa@intentandaction.com for keynotes, programs, and consultations.

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Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2018

Compassion's Call to Action

With a twist of the doorknob, the door  creaks open. I hear the voice of action calling to me. Slipping out the door, I prepare to respond to the suffering and angst in the world. I want to be a bodhisattva — an alleviator of suffering. But, the harshness, the unevenness of the world threatens to upend my carefully made plans. 

Suffering overwhelms. I discover within my humanness the seeds of causing harm, of hurting myself and others. I see my humanness reflected in those around me. Is there hope that suffering will lessen — that I can be a bodhisattva?

I do not despair nor should you. For we have been given two great gifts to navigate the unevenness. These gifts root us in our contemplative spirit and give birth to our compassionate heart. What are these two gifts? Meditation and contemplation. 

This meditation is more than sitting quietly and purging your mind of thoughts. This meditation is all encompassing. It requires a focusing your awareness on the sacred in your life. Your life, your sacred, your understanding. When you are mindful, you notice the world unfolding in a peculiar way. You recognize that the unevenness of the world is not yours. But, in righting your unevenness your bring balance to your world. 

Contemplation is the next step. Through meditation you notice what you notice. Instead of reacting, you quietly wait for clarity. You listen intently for the voiceless words of the sacred to guide you on the bodhisattva journey. You understand that self compassion is first act. Unless you soothe your wounds, calming the fiery heat of another is nearly impossible. 

With practice, the rhythm of your day becomes seamless mediation and contemplation. Your compassionate response is a guide for another on their healing journey. You feel the suffering of another. With your empathy realized, you touch their heart with yours. The fire of your compassion burns away their suffering. 

It is the little ways that we alleviate suffering that make the biggest difference. We may listen to the anguish of a stranger; help a mother open a door; assist an older person with their groceries. We may never know how we are the tipping point that shifts a life of suffering to a one of hope. We may never even realize that our act of compassion made the big difference.

Bodhisattva, wise listener, contemplative in action, compassion warrior — no matter what we call our self, our goal is to be present and respond with compassion in a world that is harsh and uneven.  

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Neural Synchrony™ facilitator, professional speaker, and author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action. Vanessa assists clients in navigating their life paths with intuition. Contact Vanessa @ vanessa@intentandaction.com for keynotes, programs, and consultations.

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Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2018

The Compassion of What If

What if we believed in the goodness of  everyone’s soul? What if we believed that everyone could meet their highest potential? What is we believed that our hardships were making us stronger, more compassionate? What if we believed that even in the darkest moments the sacred was present?

When we believe, our paradigm shifts. For living within these “what ifs” does not negate or ignore the sufferings, the horrors of this world. The “what ifs” provide a template to bridge a growing divide. The tools we use to fortify this bridge are compassion and understanding. Span by span, pillar by pillar, we shift from a me-centric world to a community of we.

This building begins with a practice self compassion. These are not selfish acts; rather, they are nurturing acts that increase the awareness of our wounds and our suffering. Through self compassion we heal our woundedness. Our internal spark combusts. The flaring light of our authentic self powers our compassionate response into the world. 

Refreshed, we name, without judgment, a behavior for what it really is. When we name an injustice, we no longer react from the force of our anger. Instead, we use the power of our anger to respond. Anger no longer controls us; we harness its power to bring about change. 

Once in the paradigm of “we believe,” we leave our hermitage. Joining together in community, we stabilize the bridge’s foundation and lay the tiles of hope on the bridge one compassionate act at a time. We are compassion warriors not fighting the good fight, but warriors who are building a new paradigm based upon what we believe.

Without a collective effort, the world would combust from suffering and injustice on so many levels. Without a compassionate heart driven response, we would individually and collectively throw accelerants on this smoldering fire. Our bridge would become kindling for a resurgence of the outdated, violent, unjust paradigm.

As I rest in the belief of “what if,” I gain hope from those who speak out with a strong voice and a loving heart. Their words and actions proclaim that the world cannot and must not be changed by the sword of violence. Rather, the weapons must be forged in the compassion of “what if.” Let’s rally the troops not to destroy the bridge but to strengthen this connection through compassionate action and nonviolence. In  doing so we live in a paradigm of a community of inclusion. 

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Neural Synchrony™ facilitator, professional speaker, and author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action. Vanessa assists clients in navigating their life paths with intuition. Contact Vanessa @ vanessa@intentandaction.com for keynotes, programs, and consultations.

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Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2018

The Compassion of Casting Light

I awake each morning aware of my shadow and alert to its potential to harm. Alive to each moment, I know I can be compassion.

This morning I awoke to those words resonating into my soul. Gandhi’s words echoed in my mind, “there will never be an army of perfectly nonviolent people.” Of course, Pema Chödrön chimed in, reminding me that we get so addicted to another’s fundamentalism because we our self are fundamentalist. These three strands weave together creating a cord that connects my authentic self with the person I am in unmindful moments. Each reminds me to respond to my imperfections with compassion.

There have been numerous times when I have been disappointed in my actions. Sometimes the darkness in my shadow takes my breath away. Of late I cannot seem to hide from my shadow self when I act in ways that crack the facade of who I believe I am. My fundamentalism oozes out of the cracks like some festering refuse that should have long ago been relegated to the compost heap. 

So, I find myself wondering what is the answer to fundamentalism? Do we deny it to the core of our being only to see it rise up when we least expect it? Do we ignore it when we get a whiff of its militant smell? I guess we could do both and avoid the fact that we are mired in the commotion that strengthens our illusions of who we are. To do this means that we live a lie — we offer the world a face masked with the illusion that we desperately want to believe.

What if instead of ignoring our fundamentalist tendencies, we meet our fundamentalism with a³ awareness? In those moments that we are awake, alert, and alive to our self and the world, we identify our imperfections and their/our potential to harm.  Being awake to our authentic and shadow sides takes courage. Being alert and ready to respond takes curious daring. Courage and curious daring join forces in those moments we are alive enough to recognize and accept that we are not who we are called to be. 

We cannot ignore those shadows that cast darkness onto our soul. And, we must do more than acknowledge them. We must combine our courage and curious daring to eradicate our fundamentalism at its source. In doing so, our light shines a bit more brightly down a less dark path.  

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Neural Synchrony™ facilitator, professional speaker, and author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action. Vanessa assists clients in navigating their life paths with intuition. Contact Vanessa @ vanessa@intentandaction.com for keynotes, programs, and consultations.

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Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2018

Compassion’s Kaleidoscopic Energy

The purple morning faded to lilac and,  in a kaleidoscopic flash, spun from reddish orange into shades of blue. The quiet of the night transformed into the passion of the day. Those moments that  had been shrouded by darkness now reflected the light.

I once worked the evening of the full moon in a large box store. The rhythm pulsed — busy one moment, ghost store the next. The energy felt kaleidoscopic — so many possibilities reflected in the brightness of moonlight. And, I saw each one as it whirled by.

The full moon waned and the new moon arrived. Fourteen days later I still was filled with the energy of that moon. I wondered if the energy was truly different or if I was opened to perceiving what lay just beyond the expected. Who knows the answer? All I know is that my perception of the world shifted as did my interactions with others.

I have said before that we are imperfect people in an uncertain world. Our suffering bubbles up in the imperfections. Of late, that little voice within whispers, “wait, listen, discern,” when I am forming a judgment about another. It nudges me to acknowledge a judgment formed and pushes me to reframe it. 

I find myself wondering what does it mean to be compassionate in the face of cruelty? How do I navigate through the cruelty that seeps through imperfections? How do I respond to the cruelty present in the uncertainty of the world? My response gentle and loving yet strong and courageous. Using critical thinking I wait, listen, and discern how best to respond to the injustice. Maybe I cannot change a situation, but I can hold space for suffering to be moon like as it waxes and wanes. 

But, mostly, I remind myself to question my motives so that my compassion is pure. Within this questioning I evolve my compassionate presence. I learn that although I am a compassion warrior that I engage in no war. I do not to fight any kind of fight. I take flight on compassion’s wings as I douse the flames of suffering and spark compassion in the hearts of my self and others. 

Compassion calls us to burn away the embers of personal agenda and motive. Compassion calls us to fly free of expectations in the brightness of the moon and the darkness of the night. Compassion calls us to be the person we are meant to be no matter what. 

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Neural Synchrony™ facilitator, Professional Speaker, and Author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action. Vanessa assists clients in navigating their life paths with intuition. Contact Vanessa @ vanessa@intentandaction.com for keynotes, programs, and consultations.

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Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2018

The Compassion of Space for Shadows

Two unexpected conversations reminded me that it is inevitable that we will hurt another person or another person will hurt us. Within this unevenness is opportunity for growth — no matter what side of the equation we are on. To get to this growth, we need to hold space for the shadow of another to manifest. 

This is anything but simple. We are human. We are imperfect, And, sometimes we forget that we are holding space for the other to their meet challenges. We get stuck in their emotions and become a receptacle for their darkness. We forget we are the light and muddle about blinded by the suffering of another.

No matter how much time has passed, the darkness might still fester waiting to burst open upon contact. Until we identify why we take on the darkness of another, we cannot shift from being a receptacle to a space holder. Why do we hold the darkness of another? I believe it is because of guilt, misplaced responsibility, and grief. 

• Guilt finds its roots in blame and shame. I may believe that the fault of another’s suffering is mine when, in fact, both parties created the situation that is a learning, potentially transformative, experience for both of us. Guilt releases when I understand that both of us are receptacles for one another’s darkness. Healing happens through self compassion and forgiveness.
• Misplaced Responsibility is an underpinning of guilt. Seldom is one person responsible for what happened. My actions may be the catalyst, but the actions of another provide the combustible material or vice versa. I can accept my role in learning a life lesson and hold space for the other to learn theirs. Or, I can become a receptacle for the suffering of another and allow them to be a receptacle for me.
• Grief is the trickiest of the three. For me, no matter how a relationship (family, romantic, work, friend) ends, I feel a loss. As I go through the stages of grief, the shadow turned dark may be all I have left of the person or situation. I cling to it wishing that there was a different resolution. Neither of us heals. 

As I pondered these realizations, a person walked into my life. She had known me since I was a child. Her unconditional love ignited compassion’s fire in my battered heart. That flare of compassion ignited a burst of courage within me. I understood that being a receptacle for another’s darkness serves no one. My role is to hold space while another experiences their shadow. And, the task of another is to do the same for me.

Jill Bolte Taylor in My Stroke of Insight reminds us that it takes 90-seconds for an emotion to enter our physical body, trigger reactions, and then exit. Instead of allowing that emotion to cycle through, we hold onto it. What should be 90-seconds becomes 9 years. What would happen if instead of holding on to the reactionary emotions triggered by the shadows of others, we would experience them, bless them, and let them go? What would happen if we would accept the experience as a life lesson that transforms us into our truest self? We will never know unless, with self compassion, we shift from reaction into response.

We may still be imperfect and the world uncertain, but we are a light that navigates through the darkness to our transformation. 

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Neural Synchrony™ facilitator, Professional Speaker, and Author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action. Vanessa assists clients in navigating their life paths with intuition. Contact Vanessa @ vanessa@intentandaction.com for keynotes, programs, and consultations.

Website / LinkedIn Profile / Facebook / 

Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2018