Two unexpected conversations reminded me that it is inevitable that we will hurt another person or another person will hurt us. Within this unevenness is opportunity for growth — no matter what side of the equation we are on. To get to this growth, we need to hold space for the shadow of another to manifest.
This is anything but simple. We are human. We are imperfect, And, sometimes we forget that we are holding space for the other to their meet challenges. We get stuck in their emotions and become a receptacle for their darkness. We forget we are the light and muddle about blinded by the suffering of another.
No matter how much time has passed, the darkness might still fester waiting to burst open upon contact. Until we identify why we take on the darkness of another, we cannot shift from being a receptacle to a space holder. Why do we hold the darkness of another? I believe it is because of guilt, misplaced responsibility, and grief.
- Guilt finds its roots in blame and shame. I may believe that the fault of another’s suffering is mine when, in fact, both parties created the situation that is a learning, potentially transformative, experience for both of us. Guilt releases when I understand that both of us are receptacles for one another’s darkness. Healing happens through self compassion and forgiveness.
- Misplaced Responsibility is an underpinning of guilt. Seldom is one person responsible for what happened. My actions may be the catalyst, but the actions of another provide the combustible material or vice versa. I can accept my role in learning a life lesson and hold space for the other to learn theirs. Or, I can become a receptacle for the suffering of another and allow them to be a receptacle for me.
- Grief is the trickiest of the three. For me, no matter how a relationship (family, romantic, work, friend) ends, I feel a loss. As I go through the stages of grief, the shadow turned dark may be all I have left of the person or situation. I cling to it wishing that there was a different resolution. Neither of us heals.
As I pondered these realizations, a person walked into my life. She had known me since I was a child. Her unconditional love ignited compassion’s fire in my battered heart. That flare of compassion ignited a burst of courage within me. I understood that being a receptacle for another’s darkness serves no one. My role is to hold space while another experiences their shadow. And, the task of another is to do the same for me.
Jill Bolte Taylor in My Stroke of Insight reminds us that it takes 90-seconds for an emotion to enter our physical body, trigger reactions, and then exit. Instead of allowing that emotion to cycle through, we hold onto it. What should be 90-seconds becomes 9 years. What would happen if instead of holding on to the reactionary emotions triggered by the shadows of others, we would experience them, bless them, and let them go? What would happen if we would accept the experience as a life lesson that transforms us into our truest self? We will never know unless, with self compassion, we shift from reaction into response.
We may still be imperfect and the world uncertain, but we are a light that navigates through the darkness to our transformation.
Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Neural Synchrony™ facilitator, Professional Speaker, and Author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action. Vanessa assists clients in navigating their life paths with intuition. Contact Vanessa @ vanessa@intentandaction.com for keynotes, programs, and consultations.
Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2018
Nice concept. Thanks for sharing.
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