I have always been an explorer when it comes to relationships. My natural instinct is to ask questions and listen to answers in order to understand. I have always been fascinated why a person believes as they do and how those beliefs are lived in the moment. Instead of being confused and leaping from judgments to beliefs to assumptions and back, I try to the best of my ability to gain information to better understand why another believes as I do or views life in a very different way.
Last month when a program participant mentioned NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), I flash backed to working at a retreat center where we offered programming that used this tool to improve communication skills. NLP assists in the better understanding of how personal views of realities are created. When we understand why a person believes as they do, we are given the key to connecting on increasingly deeper levels.
NLP is one of the many tools we can use to better understand our self, our conversation partner, and our interactions with one another. While I have not used NLP in years, I often assume the stance of the objective observer by practicing the 4nons (non-attachment, non-judgement, non-defensiveness, and non-violence). Through the use of the 4nons I better understand the roots of my own personal reality — judgments, assumptions, and beliefs while not superimposing them on the reality of another. I can also attend with my full body to gain clues as to the foundation of the other’s view of realty. Then, listening with intent, I gather information to respond with compassion.
The participant who was introduced to NLP was forever changed by the experience. Her relationship with her coworker improved. I had a similar experience with a coworker when I integrated what I had learned while in the objective observer stance. I stopped taking the coworker’s behavior so personally. Did she change? Does it matter? I did. And, I found that the technique we use to shift our communication style doesn’t matter as much as the intent to understand the view of another.
What happens when we stop taking everything so personally? What happens when we recognize that the other has as much of a right as we do to live from their own reality? We live in ways that are not parallel existences but weave and twine and intersect with one another. We experience our challenges together and learn from each other. The world becomes a better place through respectful interaction. None of this means that we ever have to agree with the other or change our beliefs to accommodate theirs. It means that we consciously and intentionally listen to understand.
We stop reacting out of anger. We don’t ignore the violence inherent in another’s reactions; we respond with compassion and nonviolence to a world that is increasingly out of sync. We use the energy of our anger to fuel our compassionate response in ways that protect the vulnerable and move us toward a world of inclusivity. And, we are compassionate witness to those who would divide. We build a tribe of compassion rebels who live in an ever increasing constellation of unity.
There still may be threads of not understanding, but, over time, those can be resolved by listening with intent. Misunderstandings become rarer when we open our heart and listen with intent in order to respond with compassion. We remain confident in our beliefs. This confidence creates the space for another to live their reality. We create our constellation of relationships based upon our commonalities and strengthened by our willingness to respect differences.
Vanessa
Vanessa F. Hurst is a Mindful Coach, Compassion Consultant, Professional Speaker, and Author who interweaves her inner wisdom in all she touches. Contact Vanessa
Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action.
More from Vanessa: www.intentandaction.com
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