vanessa
f. hurst
“We are
celebrating 50 years of marriage.”
“I have
worked for this organization for 10 years.”
Some
relationships just work. There is an ease to the way that they connect. They
withstand the growing pains, personal changes, and tests inherent in the
relationship. The partners are able to move within the flow of change. Working
together they create a beautiful grain within their relationship. Each plank
fits seamlessly tongue to groove.
But, what
happen when the joints of a relationship do not smoothly fit together? At
times, our words and actions can sand the connections and retrofit them. Other
times the connections are warped and the grain so uneven that there is no way
to connect in the same way.
No matter
how much we try, our authentic self never seems to fit in that relationship. If
we do not allow the relationship to evolve, it may implode and the flying
splinters lodge deeply into our hearts. If we do not remove the splinters, the
wounds fester and our relationship drifts until the final implosion that severs
our connection.
I have
often been accused of staying in relationships helplessly looking all as the shrapnel
lodges into my heart and the heart of my partners. That part of me that wants
to get it right even if there is not a way to stay in the static relationships
convinces me that the illusion I am living has the potential of sustainability.
I fail to realize that as an illusion it is not grounded in reality.
Lately I
have shifted my relationship paradigm:
relationships aren’t win or lose, success or failure. Learning that I haven’t failed but can learn
how not to be in relationship is an ongoing lesson for me. Each connection is a
dynamic, compassion filled opportunity to transform in this laboratory called
life. When I look at my relationships as opportunities to learn, my world
shifts. Maybe I need to learn to love freer or not take another’s behavior so
personally. Maybe I need to realize that I am okay as I am and that my
authentic self really is enough. Each relationship has become an invitation to
my transformation and to partner with the other in theirs.
When I
shed those spots of doubt-inducing illusion, I pause to reflect. I ask myself,
“What do I need in the relationship?” And, I answer honestly. Then, I
intentionally listen to the other to figure out what they need. Finally, I ask
myself, “What I am able to give and what I am willing to receive?”
After
answering these questions comes the difficult part. I need to decide how to
shift in the relationship. Maybe that life long friendship becomes an acquaintance-ship.
Or, maybe I find another job. Perhaps, I search for a new social group. Or, I
decide to spend time on my most important relationship — the one with myself.
There are no right or wrong answers. There are only the answers we are feeling
in the moment to be our truth.
We gather
this information and make these decisions in dialogue with the other. In loving
gentle ways we listen. We are both great people who are living loving,
compassion filled lives. Sometimes we just get stuck in the lesson we are
learning.
Accepting
that life isn’t static provides the nudge for us to transform. Because the end
result of this discernment is an alleviation of suffering and a relationship
shift to either a deeper connection or a letting go. Our goal is to live in a world of compassion
without angst or harm.
Easy? No.
Necessary? Yes. Through it all we love and live while growing our constellation
of connections.
Vanessa
F. Hurst is a Mindful Coach, Compassion Consultant, Professional Speaker, and
Author who interweaves her inner wisdom in all she touches. Contact Vanessa
Her books
are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and EngagingCompassion Through Intent & Action.
More from
Vanessa: www.intentandaction.com
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