A Constellation of Connections: Being Our Best Self

Upon our life canvas we paint a glorious night sky that is  unique to each of us. In the array of stars, we are Polaris, the North Star of our sky. Each person, each part of creation is a star twinkling against the indigo backdrop. Here in the inky darkness of our night sky, we connect to others in relationship. These connections create a vibrant, dynamic constellation. Each interaction, no matter the duration, impacts and influences our constellation of connections. A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships

It is inevitable in our constellation of connections that strands strung to another person become brittle and shred. Relationships we felt would last forever are suddenly no longer. It doesn’t matter if this relationship was romantic partner, a family member, a friend, or a colleague. The relationship ends, and we are cast adrift in suffering. We are bereft and grieve the loss.

Sometimes we cannot let go of the other person. We spend time questioning why our relationship ended, assigning blame, and feeling shame for our role in the dissolution. We want a do over to reforge the connection. We want what we want instead of asking what is necessary to our evolution. We forget that our constellation of connections is dynamic and evolving as it creates an environment for us to live fully.

In the aftermath of a shredded a connection we do not realize that we have evolved. We don’t recognize that the relationship no longer served our best self or the best self of our partner.  To transform into our best, most authentic self (and to allow the other the same grace), we must be open to transitioning our relationships. The reality is that some become more durable, while others fracture. 

The suffering seeping from the fracture is real.  We can choose to be stuck in the pain and attempt to resuscitate the relationship or we can use the energy of our suffering to meet our challenges and move forward. Choosing the latter propels us into the reconfiguration of our constellation. This revitalized constellation of connections reveals our best, truest self. 

Reconfiguration is the hard part. I’ve found myself in situations where I do almost anything to keep a connection no matter how stressed. Then one day, the connection fractures and the resulting shrapnel impairs other relationships. I must decide whether to focus on other viable relationships in my constellation or continue to force a connection that I should let go.

I feel the grief no matter if I hold on tight or let go. I go through the stages of grief that is a ricocheting back and forth of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Through the suffering triggered by my loss, I learn. In this trial, I  become more durable. As a contemplative in relationship, I focus my attention on the sacred and listen to the voice of my inner wisdom. I am healed as I learn the lessons inherent in the relationship.

Maybe later, I am able to connect in a different way to the person whose strand is broken. Maybe not. Maybe I navigate through or around the black hole created by the relationship that is no more. No matter what, I continue to evolve my constellation of connections. I accept that I am not a failure for within the fragility of each connection, I see the potential twinkling in my own divine spark. I live through relationship as I follow my divine spark, my truth  north, that leads me to my most authentic self. You can, too.

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Neural Synchrony™ facilitator, professional speaker, and author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action. Vanessa assists clients in navigating their life paths with intuition. Contact Vanessa @ vanessa@intentandaction.com for keynotes, programs, and consultations.

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Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2018

What Does Not Define Us: A Letting Go

We have great plans — phenomenal pathways to transformation. The weather seems perfect to  accomplish them. Then the rains come.  The river rises. The current quickens. The pathway to our plans — our hopes and dreams — are swept away in an instant. 

Maybe we dive into the water and tugged on our dreams mired in the tangle. Ripping them free, we valiantly swim against the current sure that we will find elusive dry ground. Sure that we will be able to resuscitate said hopes and dreams.

Perhaps we go a different route. We judge everything as hopeless. We plop upon the sodden ground bemoaning the foe that prevented our realized dreams. We are unmindful of the rising water as it edges closer and closer further obscuring our path.

But, there is a middle ground between almost drowning in the swift current and giving up. We can be in the tumult and the uncertainty without being caught in the undercurrent of unrecognizable hopes and dreams or stuck in the futility of dreams lost. We can survey the damage without giving in to despair. Walking between the two is a tricky balance point we seek.

How do we find this balance point? How de we become the balance point? For me, it begins by acknowledging those feelings of hopelessness and frustrations. I allow them to wash over me without allowing them to dig into my flesh or pushing them away. I affirm that the feelings define the situation. I accept on a soul level that neither those feelings nor the situation define me. 

That is the toughest part — not being defined by what is happening to me. When I acknowledge these feelings, I let them wash over me without judgment. By not clinging to them they are no longer integral to my being They become part of the tumult. In this shift I am no longer threatened by drowning. Rather, the stream washes me clean, lays me bare, and clears my sight. 

The true adventure begins when we let go of those plans that no longer suit us. By letting go, we open to a new path that is less a detour and more a realignment of our soul purpose. This path leads us to where we need to be. When we are nonattached to what we think we should be, who we truly are is revealed. 

Nonattachment provides us the space to clearly hear the voice of our intuition. And we, step by step, follow that voice leading us to our soul purpose. We hear the song in the tumult. It invites us to be in harmony with our self. Aligned with our soul purpose we dance because our feet will not stop singing  transformation.

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Neural Synchrony™ facilitator, professional speaker, and author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action. Vanessa assists clients in navigating their life paths with intuition. Contact Vanessa @ vanessa@intentandaction.com for keynotes, programs, and consultations.

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Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2018

Trapped in the Shenpa of this Moment: Self Compassion

Sometimes an unexpected encounter provides the greatest healing of all. I ran into a person I knew from a decade or so ago. Instead of directing the conversation, I engaged. We moved beyond past difficulties. I felt relief. Maybe we had gone past the unevenness and could be cordial with one another. 

Then the unexpectedly expected happened, she mentioned a mutual friend — someone who had triggered hurt I thought had healed. Old feelings rapidly ascended surprising me. And a voice inside said, “Wow! I guess that you have not let go of those feelings of abandonment and betrayal.” 

Instead of using the snark of my hurt to power a reaction, I listened to the voice within that said, “How much of your inability to move forward is trapped in the shenpa revealed in this moment?”

A simple definition of this Buddhist term, shenpa, is what hooks us. It is those memories, triggers, and life stuff that twists and turns us, pretzeling our spirit until we can no longer touch the grace, be the truth, of who we are. We get so used to the contortion that it becomes a comforting friend.  

I recognized my epiphany. The moment no longer was one of indignation based upon my view of how I had been treated versus how I would have responded to a person in my situation. This wasn’t about my truth versus the truth of another. No, I was being given an opportunity to recognize a deep hurt that unacknowledged had just strengthened a pattern of suffering in my life.

How do we let go of the catalyst of our suffering? How can we release the shenpa and become the best person we are? Begin by acknowledging the hurt. Don’t hide it. Don’t minimize it. You can admit the hurt to yourself and vow not to hold on to it one moment longer without releasing it by spewing any of the suffering venom at another. 

Clean the fog from the lenses of your being by forgiving yourself for the suffering that holding on to this hurt perpetuated. Really feel the corrosive nature of this hurt that just burns into you — not another — until you let it go. The practice of self compassion begins with awareness. The process of healing begin with self compassion. 

Uncovering another festering layer of hurt means more than just forgiving ourself. We turn to the others involved and authentically forgive them. That is the twofold way to neutralize the shenpa — internal and external authentic action. We no longer ignore the hurt but lay the pain bare. We befriend the ugliness. And me? Well, I made peace with myself knowing that I was not so much betrayed and abandoned by another but that ultimately in the experience, I had betrayed and abandoned myself.  

This is one of those compassion is difficult moments. Each of those steps requires self compassion. With each letting  go of shenpa, the suffering diminishes and I become a stronger, more durable, truer me. You can, too.

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Neural Synchrony™ facilitator, professional speaker, and author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action. Vanessa assists clients in navigating their life paths with intuition. Contact Vanessa @ vanessa@intentandaction.com for keynotes, programs, and consultations.

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Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2018

Compassion & The Angry Woman

For too long people have told me that I am an angry woman. And, that has been my shame.  Why couldn’t I douse my anger? Why couldn’t I be a gentle woman? Why couldn’t I replace my anger with peace and love? The more I tried to be less angry, the more my anger forced itself out sideways.

Last Wednesday I listened to the1a.org segment on women and rage. Those 47 minutes were paradigm shifting for me. Strong women are seldom respected. They are asked to pretzel themselves into an antiquated, unrealistic way of being. And, then those demanded that certain pose marvel at the anger that comes out sideways. 

Although I have been assured by younger women that strong women are respected in this time, I look at recent events and am not so sure. 

Maybe I am less an angry woman and more a woman who gets angry at circumstances. I find myself wondering how I can own the power of my anger instead of ignoring it until it seeps through the cracks of my weary facade and explodes sideways into the world. Instead of my anger fueling an unhinged reaction, how can it power a response to injustice? Harnessing the power of my anger and generating a nonviolent response would be a paradigm shift of epic proportions!

Let’s return to the idea of power vs. force. We live in a world that is imperfect and uncertain. We cannot create a perfect world where there is always peace and calm — there are too many external factors that force cracks in our internal peace. But, we can use the power of each emotion — including anger — to create a grounded, protected space from which we are able to respond compassionately to the world.

So, what does this paradigm of using the power of anger look life? When we get angry, we consciously acknowledge that anger instead of talking our self out of our feelings or ignoring the building rage. We own our anger. This ownership means harnessing the power of our anger. We choose the path that our anger will guide us down. We turn reactionary behavior into compassionate response. We are strong and gentle, courageous and compassionate in the face of uncertainty. We are free to be the powerful beings that we have always been but didn’t realize.

Yes, I am an angry woman. But, I will no longer let that be a source of shame. I will befriend my anger — stoke its fire not to lash out and spew suffering in the world. No, I will befriend my anger and use the power of this friendship to practice the compassion of enough+ to myself and others. 

Through my anger, through my compassion of enough+, suffering is incinerated and its ashes flow away on compassion’s breath. 

How do you use the power of your anger to shift into a paradigm of compassion? 

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Neural Synchrony™ facilitator, professional speaker, and author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action. Vanessa assists clients in navigating their life paths with intuition. Contact Vanessa @ vanessa@intentandaction.com for keynotes, programs, and consultations.

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Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2018

Opportunity, Possibility, Potential: Practicing Self Compassion

Each morning I wake to silky darkness. Sometimes it wraps me in a void of complete nothingness — a nonattached blank slate upon which to write my day. Other times the darkness is filled with so much joy that I find myself bounding out of bed. Then, there are those other moments — the darkness has an edginess — anxiety about the day unfolding. 

My favorite wakeup call is the first. The stillness offers nothing but a neutral greeting. I feel the power and grace in the world resonating with me. After a few moment of resting in the calm, I rise with assurance ready to greet the day. Sketching on that slate feels effortless.

Then, there is the latter and, by far, my least favorite — those mornings are heavy and edgy. I am torn between burrowing into my covers with a plea of “just five more minutes, please” — or sliding from the bed reluctant to begin the day. In those moments, I am aware of opportunity within uncertainty, the possibility of transformation, and the potential for disappointment. 

Sometimes no matter how much I try during the day, I cannot seems to throw off those inevitable feelings of potential for success become realized disappointment. So what do I do when my hopes and dreams don’t quite meet what I envision? How do I turn my yearning from spiraling despair into the power of hope?

It is easy to metaphorically crawl back under the covers and say we will try another day. It takes courage and curious daring to straighten the quilt, fluff the pillows, and greet the day regardless of the encroaching anxiety and fear. Moment by conscious moment, I meet each opportunity without having any assurance that this time will be the time that I reach past our fears, live with daring, and grasp transformation. I know that each of us tries because even if we do not succeed, we shine the light of our possibility. And, that is more than enough.

Opportunity, possibility, and potential are woven together with self compassion. We recognize that we are not just a reflection of our big moments. Through self compassion, we identify the ways we shine our truest self in the small things. Self compassion means acknowledging when our light is fueled by the small and recognizing that each small moment added to all the others creates not a potential for disappointment but the potential of a life truly lived.  

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Neural Synchrony™ facilitator, professional speaker, and author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action. Vanessa assists clients in navigating their life paths with intuition. Contact Vanessa @ vanessa@intentandaction.com for keynotes, programs, and consultations.

Website / LinkedIn Profile / Facebook / 

Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2018