Have you seen the meme “Bob and Sally are still friends, because Bob and Sally are adults. Be Like Bob and Sally”? It equates disregarding value differences with being an adult. I don’t get that meme and the shaming and blaming that goes with it.
What happens when someone acts in a way that reveals a part of themselves that you didn’t know, and that part of themselves is fundamentally different from you? Those revealed differences have you questioning how the relationship can remain the same. Ignoring them doesn’t make you an adult.
Being an adult does not mean that you stay in a relationship in every relationship regardless of differences. I am not advocating that you leave every relationship in which you and the other person have disagreement. If you did, you would soon find yourself without family or friends. What I am advocating is discernment when the perceived differences of your and another are extreme. For me, these differences usually are values based.
I believe that it is everyone’s right to decide who to invite into our circle of friends and who to exclude. We have the right to leave a relationship that no longer works for us. That meme and others like it attempt to shame and blame another who chooses to leave a friendship. It is a form of cyber bullying.
In my book, A Constellation of Connections, I address the balancing role of compassion in relationship. It is a tricky business being true to ourself in the best of relationships. When we discover that a person isn’t who we thought they were, responding with compassion becomes difficult. We are faced with a choice. We can ignore the issue causing dissonance or we can examine our connection to another compassionately. If you choose the latter, I recommend asking yourself several questions:
- How do I want to be in this relationship?
- What do I need from my partner?
- How do I receive what I want and need?
- How do I perceive that the other wants to be in relationship with me?
- How able am I to provide what that person needs while remaining true to myself?
Spend some time in quiet reflection answering these questions. If possible, ask your partner to reflect upon the questions. Then dialogue the answers. Perhaps as a result of your discernment you discover that you can remain connected despite your differences. You may discover a pathway to deepening the connection. Another reality is that you may decide that it is time to step back from the relationship. When you choose from your authentic self, you engage in an act of self compassion.
There is no right or wrong decision — there is only your decision made through compassionate reflection. Sometimes for change to happen, you need to be willing to change. And, that is what being an adult in relationship is all about.
Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Neural Synchrony™ facilitator, Professional Speaker, and Author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action. Vanessa assists clients in navigating their life paths with intuition. Contact Vanessa @ vanessa@intentandaction.com for keynotes, programs, and consultations.
Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2018
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