Sparks in Wisdom's Fire: July 2018

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Sorry & The Compassion of Enough

I am sorry. Undoubtably three of the most powerful words in our vocabulary. The only more power filled triad is “I love you.” Why is it so difficult to utter those word without attaching conditions to the apology?

I do not know the answer. Maybe it is because we need to explain or justify our behavior. Maybe we feel those three words need an explanation. Maybe we are not courageous enough to rest in the silence create by our humility and vulnerability.

For me, “I am sorry,” when spoken by another, is an energy that flows over the tatters of my soul, soothes the inflammation, and encourages my healing. With those words we bare our souls while opening our self to another even though we do not know how we will be received. And, within those words echo: I love you. I respect you. I acknowledge that I hurt you. Forgive me.

When the apology continues after the sorry, what follows diminishes the power of the words. When that happens, I call those apologies the if sorry, the but sorry, and the sorry sidestep.

I am sorry if — signals a refusal to accept responsibly for the hurt caused.

I am sorry but — continues with a defense of the person’s action.

The sorry sidestep — this usually begins by thanking you for loving the other person enough to forgive them for (fill in the blank.)

When each of these happen, I am caught in the headlights of my suffering. With an if or a but, I can acknowledge the inability of another person to own behavior. The sidestep requires the compassion of enough. I gently share my love while letting the other know that we feel hurt or disrespected by their actions.

The compassion of enough is loving and gentle while holding the other responsible for their actions. In this space, we are aware of the suffering that manifests in the refusal to accept responsibility for the hurt caused and for defensive behavior. We are aware of deflection by another. Through this awareness we are humble and vulnerable. We trust that the cries of suffering emanating from them are healed through the compassion of enough.

I understand that uttering “I am sorry” is less for the other person than for me. It is first an act of self compassion. I hear those three words, eight letters, echo in the marrow of my soul: I love me. My intent is to cause no harm. I shower compassion on myself and the world. I shine my authentic spirit into a world that is uncertain and imperfect.

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Neural Synchrony™ facilitator, Professional Speaker, and Author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action. Vanessa assists clients in navigating their life paths with intuition. Contact Vanessa @ vanessa@intentandaction.com for keynotes, programs, and consultations.

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Tuesday, July 24, 2018

Catching a Thermal of Possibility with Compassion

Life gets heavy. It gets so loud that we cannot hear the little voice nudging us out of suffering into joy. We cannot hear those words of wisdom that lighten the load and dim the roar. Peace and calm lost, we react in the maelstrom. Each reaction adds to the weight and volume of suffering. We are unable to release our grip on our suffering.

We get attached to so easily. We aren’t even aware of it happening until we wake to the fact that we are anxious, full of doubt, and fearful. Sometimes we carry the anxiety, the doubts, the fears with us for so long that we forget what it is like to be free — to feel that we can accomplish anything.

So, what do we do? We can be held in bondage by our perceived failures or we can remove that last finger holding us to the crumbling cliff of self doubt. As we push away from the illusion that binds us, we free fall into our true self. In the air we catch a thermal of possibility and rise on wings expanded by courage. We try one more time aware that maybe, just maybe, this may be the time. Our courage lifts the weight is lifted and dims the noise.

How do we get to the point of liftoff? Although we can soar to our self by our self, lifting the weight and dimming the noise is often accomplished with the help of others. It takes a village to coax us from the crumbling cliff of illusion and into the air of possibility. Sometimes that village is a few people who believe in you.

Recently I had three people write letters of reference for me. I was humbled not only by their belief in me but also how they really saw me. Those letters reminded me of my skills, my value, my compassionate self. Each of those letters was a true acts of self compassion that spurred me to push away from that cliff. I caught a thermal of possibility. As a result, I used the power of creativity and inner wisdom to write a cover letter that came from a light heart and a quiet mind.

While we can recognize our attachments, it isn’t so easy to let go of them by our self. We need help lifting the boulders and turning down the volume of the roar. Because under those boulders and roars, are the truth of who we are and the power to navigate through the good and the bad times of our life.

May you liftoff from the cliff and ride the thermals of possibility — with your village and without.

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

No Longer Denying Who We Are

Change is the whisper that whistles through our being. It resonates deep within our soul’s marrow. We transform on a subcellular level where thoughts and emotions become tangible. While we might sense those internal changes, another may be unaware.

We show up authentic and true, but find our self slotted into the same peg. Try as we might, we cannot break free of the same script. We believe that people will truly see us, but they do not. We want more authentic connections, but cannot seem to bridge the illusion of what was to what truly is.

We get stuck in angst when everyone sees and expects the old us instead of the the transformation into our authentic self. We wonder if anyone will ever see us for who we are. We don’t stop trying to climb out of the peg hole even though the sides are illusion slick. (Some may say this is an example of insanity. )

Discouraged we may just want to stop — to accept that the old, illusory script is the only one we will ever be given. To accept this untruth is to stop evolving. Transformation halted, the same old triggers wring reaction after reaction after reaction out of us. Exhausted, the de-evolution leaches hope from us. Our light dims; our truth is only a distance memory.

But, then, something amazing happens. We have seemingly one inconsequential interaction. In a momentary burst of compassion, we connect with another — spark to spark. As the flash of connection burns away the crust of uncertainty around our soul, our true self is revealed once more. This heart to heart connection reminds us that our transformation has not been in vain. Those tiny mustard seeds of commitment to true self grow up toward the new day embracing a new way.

The fear, the uncertainty, dims in those moments we were seen by another. That seemingly simple connection gives life to our hope. It powers our courage. It encourages us to live with curious daring. We gain the strength to reach out again and again and again not to change the world but with the intent to be our true self.

Change. We do not transform because we have anything to prove or to meet the standards of another. We change because we can no longer deny who we truly are. We change, and, in doing so, no longer meet others through our ego. We connect with others through compassion.

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Tuesday, July 10, 2018

On The Uneven Road Of Fair & Unfair

The little girl sobbed, “it’s not fair!” Stomping for foot for good measure, she demanded, “Why?” And stood, arms folded, daring me to answer.

As I looked into the mirror, I had no easy answer for her. Wiping her tears, I gently said, “Oh, little one, the world is a wild and wonder-filled place. It is not always fair. Is it fair that those who live in the city cannot enjoy the dark night sky with so many stars twinkling?”

“Precious child, the world is uneven, filled with highs and lows, the good and the bad. Maybe the not fair, the unevenness, is there so that we can appreciate the hope seen from the highest mountains and reflected in the densest of jungles. If life were fair, we risk becoming complacent instead of relishing the good while learning from the unevenness. Life isn’t fair, but it is ours. Along the way, we are not judged by fair or unfair, but in how how well we navigate through our challenges and find peace despite the turmoil.”

“No, life is not fair. Sometimes there is no tangible outcome in all the good that you do. Sometimes the best you can hope for is have a good set of struts to absorb the shocks on this bumpy road called life. Sometimes our only reprieve happens in those moments when we sail across a dip in the road too fast and go airborne. Enjoying those moments of flight, we are free of the fair/unfair paradox.”

“Little one, as my father reminded me, ‘no one promised you fair.’ One think I’ve learned from the unevenness of my life is that I cannot base my life upon judgments drawn from what is happening in another’s life. Perhaps what I believe to be unfair advantage is a result of the unevenness in their life.”

“So, my darling quest-for-truth, breathe deeply, dry your eyes, unwind your tangled limbs, let go of what cannot be. Life isn’t lived in the fear moments. It is not lived for the fair moments. Fair and just are respite from challenges and life lessons. They remind us to drink deeply of the well of self compassion — to quench our thirst so that we journey through the arid lands.”

So, no, dear one. Life is not fair. When we let go of our need to know why, we begin truly live. A life well lived is powered by self compassion and lived on that crazy, bumpy, windy road that brings us through unevenness into life well spent.”

Love, Yourself.

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Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Compassion: On Being An Adult

Have you seen the meme “Bob and Sally are still friends, because Bob and Sally are adults. Be Like Bob and Sally”? It equates disregarding value differences with being an adult. I don’t get that meme and the shaming and blaming that goes with it.

What happens when someone acts in a way that reveals a part of themselves that you didn’t know, and that part of themselves is fundamentally different from you? Those revealed differences have you questioning how the relationship can remain the same. Ignoring them doesn’t make you an adult.

Being an adult does not mean that you stay in a relationship in every relationship regardless of differences. I am not advocating that you leave every relationship in which you and the other person have disagreement. If you did, you would soon find yourself without family or friends. What I am advocating is discernment when the perceived differences of your and another are extreme. For me, these differences usually are values based.

I believe that it is everyone’s right to decide who to invite into our circle of friends and who to exclude. We have the right to leave a relationship that no longer works for us. That meme and others like it attempt to shame and blame another who chooses to leave a friendship. It is a form of cyber bullying.

In my book, A Constellation of Connections, I address the balancing role of compassion in relationship. It is a tricky business being true to ourself in the best of relationships. When we discover that a person isn’t who we thought they were, responding with compassion becomes difficult. We are faced with a choice. We can ignore the issue causing dissonance or we can examine our connection to another compassionately. If you choose the latter, I recommend asking yourself several questions:

How do I want to be in this relationship?
What do I need from my partner?
How do I receive what I want and need?
How do I perceive that the other wants to be in relationship with me?
How able am I to provide what that person needs while remaining true to myself?

Spend some time in quiet reflection answering these questions. If possible, ask your partner to reflect upon the questions. Then dialogue the answers. Perhaps as a result of your discernment you discover that you can remain connected despite your differences. You may discover a pathway to deepening the connection. Another reality is that you may decide that it is time to step back from the relationship. When you choose from your authentic self, you engage in an act of self compassion.

There is no right or wrong decision — there is only your decision made through compassionate reflection. Sometimes for change to happen, you need to be willing to change. And, that is what being an adult in relationship is all about.

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