I
want my heart to heal — to stop picking at the scab or bumping my bruises. I
want to trust and love and not be afraid to be in relationship for fear that I
will be hurt. I want to live knowing that we are all human and are doing the
best we can.
Maybe,
just maybe, I need to see this hurt filled suffering as no harm/no foul. My being hurt is less about the cruelty of you pushing
me away, and more about me fitting in. Maybe I really don’t fit in your world, and
the fear of ever fitting in anywhere is the root of my suffering. Maybe the
healing starts with the realization that we are all not meant to walk together
down the same path. Maybe I need to accept this reality.
I
can better understand the root of my suffering in this alternate reality. Here
I can gather the resources to heal my heart, and you have the space to heal
yours. Within this new way of being, instead of the light seeping through the
cracks caused by an unevenness in our relationship, the light illuminates the
cracks. We see where our perceptions are fragmented. We gain the clarity of
vision to engage in spiritual kintsugi.* Cracks sealed, we recognize that our
vessels are stronger for our suffering.
Vessel
repaired, the light now has only one path on which to beam brightly through the
opening in our heart. Filled with compassion, we beam through this opening and
navigate the crooked path of life purpose. No longer filled with the hurt of
unforgiveness, we are impelled to journey the most perfect path through life’s
uncertainty.
My
heart hears these words. I can feel their resonance. Now for my head to believe
so that it doesn’t fight so much with the other three aspects of my self. For
my mind is good at revving my emotions and triggering physical reactions in
order to clog the entry of Void. Filled with the distraction of unforgiveness,
I often forget that this Void is the true home of my spirit — my connection to the Sacred.
I
forget because I am so wrapped up in the hurt and the anger. I am caught up in self-righteous
indignation fueled by the assumption that I have failed yet again. Trapped in
this cycle of suffering, I do not even recognize the healing power of
forgiveness. I forget that the barriers that prevent me from entering the home
of my spirit are dissolved through compassionate forgiveness.
Instead
of engaging compassionate forgiveness, I try to make that place of suffering
fit — round peg slipping through a square hole. When will I realize that I am
never going to have those perfect 90-degree angles that are not so perfect for
me? About the time I realize that I am a round peg trying to force myself to
live in a square world. Forgiveness asks that I let go of the illusion of what
I want and accept what I need.
Maybe
forgiveness comes by being okay with who I am — through recognizing my (or
your) inner coolness, those awesome parts of who I am (you are). Maybe forgiveness
comes with being okay that I am an acquired taste. And, realizing that not
everyone will like chocolate with a dash of chili. And, that is okay because I
don’t like banana peppers on pizza.
Maybe,
just maybe, forgiveness comes when we accept our self for who we are. Maybe
forgiveness isn’t so much about the other but a practice self compassion.
Wishing
you the compassion of forgiveness,
Vanessa
*Spiritual
kintsugi is a energetic way of healing our self. The four aspects of our self
(body, mind, spirit, and heart) crack as does Raku (Japanese pottery). Raku is repaired by sealing the cracks with
gold. The repaired vessel is much stronger, durable, than the original. We can
pour the gold of healing into our self and become like repaired pottery — more
durable, stronger than before.
Vanessa F. Hurst is a Mindful Coach, Compassion Consultant, Professional
Speaker, and Author who weaves her inner wisdom in all she is. Contact Vanessa
Her
books are A Constellation of Connections:Contemplative Relationships and EngagingCompassion Through Intent & Action.
Join her Facebook Community.
Follow her on Twitter: @fyrserpent
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