In my book, A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships, I invite the reader to reflect upon their relationships using two questions:
- What do I need from a relationship?
- What does my partner need from the relationship?
We want lots of things, but how much do we really need? Probably not nearly as much as what we want, but we get stuck in a cycle of want that eclipses our needs. (I am fond of telling people that my home is a reflection of want vs. need. I have many things that I purchased at a time when I had more money than sense.) We balance our wants and needs as partners in relationship. When we really reflect upon our wants, we discover they mask what we truly need. We begin to have “more sense” as we meet all of our needs and some of our wants.
Relationships, whether they are with significant others, friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances, and strangers, all have certain foundational needs. I believe we can all agree that mutual respect and compassion are givens. And, surely treating others as you want to be treated is imperative. Really listening to the other moves us past our needs into an awareness of theirs.
The needs of your partner may be based on the woundedness of the other. Your partner may have a history of being abandoned. They need someone who will support and love them unconditionally. Another may have a strong independent streak and needs freedom to be. Yet another may need regular doses of physical touch or affirmations. The list of what partners need in relationship is endless.
A friend of mine refers to this way of being with another as the platinum rule. A rule more precious than gold, we are invited to listen to the words and actions of another. Through our listening we discern what they need. Of course, this listening leads to questions that, when answered honestly, bring clarification and deeper understanding. Living the platinum rule requires great communication skills.
At times we may discover that we cannot be what the other person needs us to be. In an attempt to be what we cannot be, we are fatigued. Exhausted, we cannot even tend to our own personal needs. So, this platinum rule applies to us as well.
Ask yourself
- What do I need for me?
- What is the best way for me to be in relationship with myself?
- What do I need in relationship with another?
Each time we live from those answers, we increase our ability to authentically be our self. In our authenticity we can honestly be what the other person needs or be honest about our inability to be what they need in relationship. Only when we intentionally explore our needs and wants do we open to hearing the needs and wants of another. This is the basis of entering into deep lasting relationship.
At the foundation of relationship is treating our self as we want to be treated so we can honestly treat others as they want to be treated. In giving what is needed we are compassion’s presence.
For more on living in mindful relationship: A Constellation of Connections, Vanessa F. Hurst
Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Mindful Coach, Compassion Consultant, Professional Speaker, and Author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Contact Vanessa @ hurst.vanessa@gmail.com
Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action.
Website / LinkedIn Profile / Facebook / Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2017
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