Compassion & The Blame Game

I blame you. You blame me. Within the cycle of pointing fingers, we get stuck in a quagmire of anger and mistrust and impotency. Maybe, if we are feeling particularly stuck, we retaliate. The blame game escalates. Together, we get to the top of the escalator. Instead of recognizing the final outburst as a culmination of the steps that led to it, we hold the person or people who initiated the final action 100% responsible for the issue. We really have someone we can blame now. Yet, nothing is resolved in our finger pointing. We continue to blame and ignore other factors and people involved. No one wins. 

Lately the blame game seems to be played everywhere. Just turn on the 24-hour news and see indiscriminate finger pointing. Talk to a friend, listen to a coffee shop conversation (It is not eavesdropping if the people are talking too loud. Oops! Did I just blame? :-) ) Everyone has an opinion. We’ve forgotten or do not even know how to listen, reflect, and respond. We’ve forgotten that within us is a twinkling spark of compassion waiting to connect to the twinkling spark in another.

I find myself wondering, how:

• Do we move past opinion? 
• Accept responsibility for our role in what is occurring? 
• Take a step or two down the escalator? 
• Find a way out of the quagmire? 
• Turn the blame game into something constructive?

The old structures, the current ways of doing things, just don’t work anymore. I believe the answer lies is tweaking the old structures. I am not a proponent of tossing out the old and starting over. I believe in building upon what we have. Maybe this is a throwback to my parent’s philosophy of not tossing out anything. They found a way to reuse almost everything until it was worn beyond use. They saw value where another saw junk.

I am not about clutter, but about innovation using what we currently have, revamping it into something that we can use anew. As we restructure what is happening in the world from reaction to response, the framework shifts from blame to responsibility. We cannot change the past but we can take responsibility and impact our world positively. We can build upon what we hold in common at our cores. This paradigm shift can only happen in the present moment through open mindedness and intent. 

Finger pointing is a mindless activity. While it is important to understand the foundation of the situation, dwelling on it is counterproductive. This does not mean that those building blocks do not impact our actions going forward. They do. We might choose not to work with someone or withhold trust because of a past experience. We might choose not to engage in certain activities because of our prior experiences. This is not holding on to blame, it is objectively ensuring the best, most transformational outcome. 

Letting go of blame means we are compassionate to our self and others. This compassion ventures into the land of I love you enough. With this form of compassion, we might decide not to interact with someone while taking care not to harm or hurt them. If nothing else, our actions are compassionately benign. We cannot change the past, but we need not compound its effects in the present. Choosing not to blame means being objectively forgiving in full awareness of the past. It is deciding not to get on that escalator while having compassion for those who find themselves at the top. And acknowledging that they did not get to the top alone. They had help. 

Through mindfulness we deescalate the blame game and begin the difficult process of healing wounds and transforming our piece of the world. By withholding blame, we feed a paradigm shift of transformation by compassion. The transformative power of compassion intensifies as we recognize that the problem isn’t out there. Nor is the solution. Both lie within us. Change occurs when we, individually and collectively, transform the world one healing act at a time. In doing so, we move from the blame game into a world of compassionate healing. 

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Mindful Coach, Compassion Consultant, Professional Speaker, and Author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Contact Vanessa @ hurst.vanessa@gmail.com.

Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging  Compassion Through Intent & Action.

Website / LinkedIn Profile / Facebook / Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2017

Stoke The Wildfire of Transformation: The Winds of Change

The winds of Change swirl around my feet. Like  the crips yellowish leaves of autumn, Change pokes and prods. Does change urge me on or encourage me to stop and pause?

The winds of Change muss my hair creating a tangled, tousled mess. Hair in my eyes, I cannot quite see what lies just in front of me. Should I comb my hair, clear the tangle from my eyes or trudge blindly on? 

The winds of Change are gale force in one moment and a gentle caress the next. Just when I find my balance in the bluster, the winds diminish to a breeze. Should I anchor myself against the wind or allow it to carry me forward? 

I wake up in the early morning at 3:27 a.m. and feel the drums of change pounding in my head. In the recesses of my mind a voice whispers, “Hail Mary, Full of Grace,” and I whisper along. Not knowing why the words or there or why I chant, I trust and do. Is the message that I, too, am filled with grace?

In moments when the fear of change crashes over me like a tsunami, I feel myself being carried out to the sea of the unknown. Being dragged below the waves, one…two…three, I choose not to drown. Instead I breathe into the strand that connects me to the Sacred. Will this connection bring safety?

As my breath travels from my nostrils into my lungs and throughout my blood vessels, this tiny, infinitesimal, particle of the Sacred flows with it. It becomes the breath nestled in my breath. I feel my resistance dissipate as I become malleable to Change. Should I trust, let go, and ride Sacred’s breath into to the unknown new? 

With each breath the fire in my belly is stoked. The sparks flare throughout my being touching my fears, my self constructed boundaries, my arguments. Will my defenses hold against the holy fire of those divine sparks? Or, will the fire burn away the illusion of what I am leaving me nothing but courage to meet my fears?

My fears and resistance are no real competition to this sacred wildfire racing through me. It burns off the old, the dead, the underbrush that was uncomfortably comforting. How free I feel when what I did not need is gone. I don’t miss what I desperately clung to. The way is cleared for the new. And, I recognize that this thing, this Change really is inevitable, isn’t it?

The wings of change feed the fire of transformation at the ground of my being. The debris of illusion burns away. I welcome change as companion to my transformation. Change is not an enemy but a most intimate stranger-friend. 

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Mindful Coach, Compassion Consultant, Professional Speaker, and Author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Contact Vanessa @ hurst.vanessa@gmail.com

Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action.

Website / LinkedIn Profile / Facebook / Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2017

The Compassion of Meeting Need

Be nice. Do unto others. Treat people as you want to be treated. Navigating the day in connection with others is not an easy task. We get stuck in how we want to be treated instead of what the other person needs. Both of us wind up being frustrated. 

In my book, A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships, I invite the reader to reflect upon their relationships using two questions:

• What do I need from a relationship?
• What does my partner need from the relationship?

We want lots of things, but how much do we really need? Probably not nearly as much as what we want, but we get stuck in a cycle of want that eclipses our needs. (I am fond of telling people that my home is a reflection of want vs. need. I have many things that I purchased at a time when I had more money than sense.) We balance our wants and needs as partners in relationship. When we really reflect upon our wants, we discover they mask what we truly need. We begin to have “more sense” as we meet all of our needs and some of our wants.

Relationships, whether they are with significant others, friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances, and strangers, all have certain foundational needs. I believe we can all agree that mutual respect and compassion are givens. And, surely treating others as you want to be treated is imperative. Really listening to the other moves us past our needs into an awareness of theirs.  

The needs of your partner may be based on the woundedness of the other. Your partner may have a history of being abandoned. They need someone who will support and love them unconditionally. Another may have a strong independent streak and needs freedom to be. Yet another may need regular doses of physical touch or affirmations. The list of what partners need in relationship is endless. 

A friend of mine refers to this way of being with another as the platinum rule. A rule more precious than gold, we are invited to listen to the words and actions of another. Through our listening we discern what they need. Of course, this listening leads to questions that, when answered honestly, bring clarification and deeper understanding. Living the platinum rule requires great communication skills. 

At times we may discover that we cannot be what the other person needs us to be. In an attempt to be what we cannot be, we are fatigued. Exhausted, we cannot even tend to our own personal needs. So, this platinum rule applies to us as well. 

Ask yourself

• What do I need for me?
• What is the best way for me to be in relationship with myself? 
• What do I need in relationship with another? 

Each time we live from those answers, we increase our ability to authentically be our self. In our authenticity we can honestly be what the other person needs or be honest about our inability to be what they need in relationship. Only when we intentionally explore our needs and wants do we open to hearing the needs and wants of another. This is the basis of entering into deep lasting relationship.

At the foundation of relationship is treating our self as we want to be treated so we can honestly treat others as they want to be treated. In giving what is needed we are compassion’s presence.

For more on living in mindful relationship: A Constellation of Connections, Vanessa F. Hurst

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Mindful Coach, Compassion Consultant, Professional Speaker, and Author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Contact Vanessa @ hurst.vanessa@gmail.com

Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action.

Website / LinkedIn Profile / Facebook / Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2017

From Anger To Compassionate Response

Anger…we all experience. For some of us, our reactions are like volcanoes that lay dormant until somethings triggers a spewing forth or anger lava. Others have hair triggers that explode for seemingly no reason. Then there are the ones that I admire. These people are able to respond to their anger by channelling its energy away from violent outbursts into compassionate response.

A Facebook friend suggested that instead of using the anger emoji for every post that threatened to push us past our boiling point, we use the sad emoji. Reframing our emotions allow us to get underneath our feelings of anger. As we dig deeply uncovering the tip of the root, we discover the feeling buried by our anger. Those feeling are often surprising. 

The emotions that I most often find in the taproot of my anger include:

Fear — lately the world seems like a runaway train. I am not even the engineer on this out of control train. I feel the train gaining speed and careening, but I am unable to see exactly what is happening. I feel that I have no control over what is happening. I fear the inevitable impact. 

Sorrow — I find myself wondering how I or the collective could have reach a point of impasse. I feel that there is no painless way out of the current situation. I ruminate over past choices. I am paralyzed by how I reach to my current situation. Nuances of this sorrow may be unresolved grief and unacknowledged loss.

Anxiety — as the world changes, I do not know what the future will bring. Instead of being in the moment, I run potential scenarios in my mind. Any detour, real or imagined, results in increased anxiety. I believe erroneously that the route I have chosen is the only course I can take. 

Anger is triggered by out of control feelings. The ground beneath us is moving. We put all of our energy into standing. We ignore all the overwhelming stimuli and the knowing that maybe we just need to fall to gain a different perspective. We cannot quite find balance and in our fear, our frustration, anger erupts. 

Jill Bolte Taylor in her book, My Stroke of Insight, identifies the life span of an emotion. From the time it impacts the physical body until it leaves it is approximately 90 seconds. When we get caught in those unacknowledged underlying emotions, we often misname what we are feeling. What should be 90 seconds trip though an emotion goes on much longer. Instead of the flow and subsequent ebb, anger bursts forward. Our angst and fears feeds the cycle. 

When we are in the moment, fully aware of our emotions, we stand as witness to each incoming emotion. We adopt the stance of the objective observer as we dig beneath our feelings to name the emotions at its roots. This naming alleviates some of the stress and reduces the potential explosive harm of anger. 

Circumventing the high emotions such as anger require that we know our self — body, mind, spirit, and heart. And, in the knowing, we gain the ability to identify our emotions, accurately name them, and ride the flow to the ebb. 

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Mindful Coach, Compassion Consultant, Professional Speaker, and Author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Contact Vanessa @ hurst.vanessa@gmail.com

Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action.

Website / LinkedIn Profile / Facebook / Twitter: @fyrserpent / ©2017