Compassion's Reward

One of my most memorable compassion learnings happened in an auditorium filled to capacity. During a lecture on compassion and science, members of the audience were reminded of our responsibilities to share compassion with the depth and breadth of our beings. Through a simple statement, the presenter emphasized that sharing this amazingly healing power is a responsibility and receiving compassion is a right. Acts of compassion are most certainly not for the privileged.

What began as a presentation about compassion and science by Matthieu Ricard soon became much more. Although his talk was inspiring, I could not tell you specifics about the content. But, the Q&A at the end of the session is etched forever into my mind. I share that moment of insight in many of my programs.

The first question was from a woman who was a social justice advocate. She began with a statement, “It is not hard for me to show compassion to those that I love, but those people who cut off mountain tops, those people who refuse to recycle, those people…” I found myself tuning her out as she droned on and on about “those people.”  

Finally, as she stopped to take a breath, Matthieu Ricard gently interjected, “Compassion is not a reward for good behavior.” 

I stopped mid-laugh as I recognized myself in her judgments about the suitability of those with whom she shared compassion. If we are honest, we probably all have a litmus test we use to judge the suffering of others. While our judgments and assumptions might not prevent us from being compassionate, our internal monologue often serves as a guide for our actions and words.

As I reflected on my thoughts and actions, I was humbled by the memories of when I had allowed by judgments, assumptions, and self-righteousness get in the way of being compassion’s presence. I rejoiced for those times that compassion won the wrestling match with my preconceived notions and I was able to be compassionate presence.

My revelations did not stop there as I remember times when I had been judged as one of “those people.” How the judgments of others burrowed deep inside me triggering even more suffering. How suffering then became a vicious spiral that wove tighter and tighter into my self. I wondered what about my behavior was truly so bad that I was undeserving of compassion. When I believed this paradigm, my suffering would worsen.

In the moments when I could rise above the suffering, I realized that being one of “those people” had nothing to do with me. Compassion had been withheld from me because someone judged — the other believed that my actions brought my suffering. That there was something that I was not doing “right,” so I was not worthy of their compassion. Internalizing this knowing, I recognized the role of our flawed humanness in the perpetuation of suffering. 

Experiencing the struggle to be compassionate and being judged as not worthy of receiving compassion have empowered me to be like Matthieu Ricard. I have, at times, been the voice of reason to others, encouraging them to look beyond the surface and see the suffering within the other person. I am my own voice of reason as well. I purposefully allow the not so apparent suffering of another to resonate within me and be compassion to that person. Matthieu reminds me that I do not have to agree with the other, or even like them, to be an alleviator of their suffering. Compassionate response is the only answer to the struggles that are the result of suffering. 

When I am the woman who objectifies others and sees the results of their actions instead of their heart, I look deeply into myself. What scabs have their behavior picked open? Which of my wounds now weep? Why am I taking their behavior so personally? When I dig into my truth to answer these questions, I discover that my own suffering is a reflection of theirs. I clean that mirror with compassion and, in doing so, let go of my need to withhold compassion. Only then am I able to stop taking what they do personally and begin to be compassion’s emissary.

When I am the other who is objectified and misunderstood, instead of lashing out, I acknowledge my hurt. Instead of the hurt boiling over, I gently soothe the suffering by acknowledging how I am feeling and embracing who I truly am. I own the suffering, the seeping wounds, while not blaming the other for their inability to be compassion’s emissary to me. And, as the ember of my compassion glows and grows, I intend that those sparks touch the one who objectified me. While my compassion might not help them; it certainly will not harm.

We give our compassion without the expectation that it changes another. Compassion must be freely given. As an emissary of compassion our only desire is to alleviate suffering. We are lights that reach into a world filled with the darkness of the wounds of suffering. With each compassionate action, we live the words of Gandhi, “my life is my message.”

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Mindful Coach, Compassion Consultant, Professional Speaker, and Author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Contact Vanessa @ hurst.vanessa@gmail.com

Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action. 

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