Last week’s blog most certainly raised the ire of one reader. Who knows what I triggered because I am most certainly not living in her reality. But, her reaction, as most reactions, became a reflection point for me. I asked myself: Why would I reconfigure a constellation of unity? And, when is reconfiguration necessary?
In my book, A Constellation Connections: Contemplative Relationships, the nature of mindful relationships is dynamic, flexible, and evolving. But, relationships are not static. We cannot expect that a relationship will remain the same over its lifespan. As each partner, together and apart, meets their challenges and learns life lessons, their core values and beliefs change.
We, like the relationship itself, are not the same as in the beginning of the connection’s formation. As we change, the boundaries of our connection stretch. Conflicts are a result of this stretching. Unless we resolve the conflicts, our evolution has the potential to create a schism in the relationship. At any time from initial fracture to schism, we have the choice to
- ignore the widening gap trusting that it resolves itself
- acknowledge the fissure and address, with compassion, what contributes to it
If we ignore the conflicts, there is a possibility that the relationship remains viable despite the fractures. Ignoring our differences creates minute cracks in an already tenuous relationship-scape. We may find our self unable to navigate the growing minefield until we or our partner steps on one of the mines triggering a relationship implosion.
When I was younger, a friend would correct my pronoun use in regard to the Sacred. I never verbalized my irritation and intentionally stopped using pronouns when referring to the Sacred around her. (I avoided conflict.) This was one small fissure, a symptom of issues that were causing in a widening relationship crack. The relationship ultimately became too fractured to continue. Maybe if one of us had acknowledged the gap and attempted to heal it, we would have a stronger, durable relationship today. Or, the severing of our relationship would have been less painful.
Addressing the differences within the relationship with compassion — for yourself and the other — opens us to the evolution of the relationship. With compassion, we are better able to evaluate our role, our partner’s role, and the circumstances that bring the relationship to crisis. We move through the conflict using the 4non: non-attachment, non-judgment, non-defensiveness, and non-violence. Through reflection and introspection, we find a way through the crisis by allowing the relationship to shift.
Using the 4nons, reflection, and introspection, the natural evolution of the relationship is compassion driven. One of two outcomes occur as a result of compassion:
- the partners resolve conflicts and the relationship becomes stronger, more durable
- the partners honestly admit that their beliefs and core values are too different for the relationship to continue as is
The relationship with another is always a part of our constellation of connections although they might not have as prominent role in our constellation. Once in relationship, our connection with another continues through respect and compassion. Allowing relationships to evolve gives us the space to reconfigure our constellation. With this evolution we breathe compassion into the world.
Vanessa
Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Mindful Coach, Compassion Consultant, Professional Speaker, and Author who interweaves her inner wisdom in all she touches. Contact Vanessa
Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action.
More from Vanessa: www.intentandaction.com
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