from empathy to compassion

Tired. Exhausted. Fatigued. These are descriptions that friends, colleagues, and clients are sharing with me. This malady surpasses the physical and has sunk deeply into the marrow of the mind, heart [emotions], and spark [spirit] of many of us. 

This fatigue is due, in part, to our empathetic natures. As an empath, we vicariously experience another’s feelings, thoughts, and attitudes. Unable to break free of the arousal of empathy, we create an endless loop that unconsciously wears on us. It exacerbates our feelings of exhaustion and thoughts of unease. 

To break this endless loop, we make wake up to our empathetic arousal. When we are aware, we are able to discern what is ours and what thoughts and feelings are another’s. Only then can we move from the arousal of empathy to the calm of compassion. 

Empathy. While putting our self in another’s shoes is a pathway to understanding their suffering, unless we are carefully mindful, their feelings hook us. We risk becoming overwhelmed. Unable to find respite from the barrage of emotion, we get stuck in a state of emotional arousal. Becoming unstuck and moving through the arousal to calm requires awareness, courage, and understanding. 

Awareness. Being caught in the emotions of another is a result of our loving and generous nature. We feel someone suffering and do not want another to go through this time of despair alone. We emphasize with them. Once aroused by their suffering, it becomes difficult for us to disengage from the frenetic emotions. 

In an emotionally aroused state, we may be shocked by the depth of what we are feeling and be unable to discern the source. Without proper energetic protection, our emotions blend with theirs. We may believe what we are feeling is ours. Without a clear understanding of the emotion’s origin, those emotions burrow deeply into our mind, spark, and heart. Once they attach, our ability to think clearly and respond is diminished. 

When we are aware, we notice physiological and psychological cues that alert us to how external influences  impact us. We may have a burning sensation in the pit of our stomach; our chest may be tight. We may be overwhelmed with sorrow or feel discouraged. Being mindful of the sensations in our body empowers us to identify what is ours and what is another's. We awake to the potential of another’s emotions to debilitate us. Once awake, our courage empowers the shift from being a vessel for the emotions of another to being an alleviator of suffering. 

Courage. Compassion requires the courageous choice of empowerment over enabling. This choice calls us to share compassion in ways that are not warm and fuzzy. Rather, compassion says, “I cannot change your circumstances, but I can help you shift how you respond to them.” This is the I love you enough of compassion that begins with courageous self-compassion which is the gateway to outward directed compassionate action.

Being brave is acknowledging that while we cannot fix anything, we can be a fellow sojourner on a path rife with suffering. We recognize that we are not meant to digest suffering but to be a lighthouse shining compassion into the world. That beacon, our light, is energized by courage and guides us to understanding. 

Understanding. More than just knowing the whys and the reasons, understanding allows us to hold the other gently as they experience their own suffering. Our listening and compassionate response gently guide them through the obstacles suffering presents. We practice self-compassion as we navigate fully aware of our own strengths and limitations. With understanding, we balance self-compassion with compassion for another. 

When we are aware, courageous, and understanding, we vicariously experience the feelings of another, but those emotions are unable to hook us in a state of arousal. We realize that empathy is not meant to be a dam for our compassionate essence. When we are mindful, the arousal provides the initial boost of energy that powers compassion’s flow. Empathy is a precursor to sharing compassion. Empathy is a call for us to be aware of the need for compassionate presence.

Our challenge is to transform the energy of our empathy into the power of compassion. In this transformation, the energy of empathetic arousal spirals through us and toward the suffering.  Being empathetic is a gift that when shared appropriately propels us into compassion’s presence. It powers the transformation that comes from compassion. Moving from empathy to compassion, we become compassion agents, warrior healers who are compassionate action in a world of suffering. 

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Mindful Coach, Compassion Consultant, Professional Speaker, and Author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Contact Vanessa @ hurst.vanessa@gmail.com.

Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action. 

Website / LinkedIn Profile / Facebook / Twitter: @fyrserpent  

Stop. Breathe. Listen.

Perception Reset. Attitude Adjustment. Change in Perspective. These phrases are ways of of changing the way that we see the world. A transformative power lies within our abilities to look past the humdrum world where we merely survive and peer into a vibrant world where we live extraordinarily. We live  as Dione Fortune advised when she said, “Magic is the art of changing consciousness at will.”

An attitude adjustment brings back memories of being scolded as a child. A change of perspective reminds me of those times when I edged closer to the dangerous abyss of fatigue and burnout. Both are different ways of referring to changing the way we see the world. How do we do engage in a perception reset? Can we expect any perception reset to be long term?

The simplest way to trigger a perception reset is to stop, breathe, and listen. We can do this at any point in the day spontaneously or at set times during the day. A combination of scheduling set times and spontaneously stopping, breathing, and listening creates a bridge to seeing the world differently. Over time, through practice and routine, this way of perceiving becomes your new normal — the way that you naturally perceive and respond to the world. 

Stop means stop. Put aside whatever activity you are doing. Allow yourself a moment to quiet your mind and just be. Disengage for a moment be that 90 seconds or five minutes. The quantity of time matters less than the quality. Turn your attention to your breath. 

Breathe. Focus on your breath. Don’t attempt to shift your breath. Be aware of the ebb and flow. Attempting to manipulate the flow of your breath catches you in the distraction of your breath. Notice that as you attend to your breathing, it begins to even out. Focusing on your breath heightens your awareness and encourages listening.    

Listen with ears, eyes, nose, taste buds — the entire body, all of the senses. When we focus with all of our senses, we notices nuances of the world that might otherwise be invisible. We identify subtleties that make the world magical and extraordinary. We discern the differences between the mundane, humdrum world and the magically extraordinary world. 

Stop. Breath. Listen. Engaging in this way of being allow us to change the way we answer, “How does way we perceive our self, others, and the world change?”

Stopping, breathing, and listening creates a path to a world that offers much more than survival in the mundane. On this path we peer beyond the veil of our distractions. We are intuitively drawn to the extraordinary. And, within this extraordinary, we find possibilities that invite us to thrive. We recognize who are are in our authentic essence. With authenticity we shine our true self into the world.

Does changing our consciousness make everything better? No, in fact, we may experience despair as our suffering comes fully into the light. But, changing our consciousness clears the path to living authentically. Our perception reset increases our awareness that within each life lesson, each challenge lies a nugget of magic — that magic is the ability to be our best, truest self. 

Living in the extraordinary one shift of consciousness at a time,

Vanessa

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Mindful Coach, Compassion Consultant, Professional Speaker, and Author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Contact Vanessa 

Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action.

Website / LinkedIn Profile / Facebook / Twitter: @fyrserpent

Warrior Farmers & the Communal Plot

I am a warrior. You are a warrior.  Each day we fight battles that are seen and unseen, known and  unknown, conscious and unconscious. We are skilled artisans of the challenge. We are warriors who enter each battle with weapons forged in the furnace of peace and compassion. Our warrior spirits are courageous, curiously daring, and intentional.

Starbucks has a new program that offers a free cup of coffee for those willing to dialogue with someone who has opposing political views. These individuals are self selected, which to me, means that they willingly cross division’s barren land with the intent to really listen to another. Crossing the divide and entering the middle ground requires those weapons forged with peace and compassion.

I imagine that these two people sitting over coffee are warrior farmers. They meet one another in the middle ground with scraps from their dinner tables. Tossing their individual scraps into a collective compost pile, their meeting become a place of rich discover as they identify, respect, and discuss differences. Differences, like the decomposing items that cannot be separated, become nourishment for the garden when respected and understood.

Listening provides the turning of the compost. Through listening they identify the beliefs and judgements that create differences. Within this conversation, both are able to recognize

that amid their differences they do have commonalities. They respect the importance of similarities and differences to nourish this common garden.

As compost is worked into the soil, these two warrior farmers move beyond surface arguments to enter into a place of deeper listening. A listening only possible with deep respect of one another. When each really listens to the opinions and beliefs of the other, both gain a greater understanding of why one or the other chose to plant different ideas and concepts in their garden plot. 

Maybe there still isn’t agreement; maybe the differences are just too fundamentally opposed. But, I would like to believe that one and the other, together, discover some noxious plants in both garden plots that must be weeded out. Both warrior gardeners, through respectful listening help one another tend to the garden collectively. Perhaps they come to an understanding that a it matters less how right you are and matters most how respect and understanding feed the collective garden.

As these warrior-farmers leave the table at Starbucks, I see them grabbing coffee grinds from the free to all bin. Together, they journey to that shared garden and sprinkle the grounds on the compost pile. They turn the grounds into the compost. Understanding doesn’t just end with one conversation over free cups of coffee; that is the beginning. The work of community continues by spreading those ground like collective wisdom gained through understanding. 

Maybe I am a warrior dreamer. But, I believe if we can cross the barren land and intentionally listen to one another, that we can grow our gardens into a bountiful harvest that provides for all. But, that garden nurtured by mutual respect and understanding while using the weapons of peace and compassion.  

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms, is a Mindful Coach, Compassion Consultant, Professional Speaker, and Author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Contact Vanessa @ hurst.vanessa@gmail.com

Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action.

Website / LinkedIn Profile / Facebook / Twitter: @fyrserpent  

Equation Solution: Compassion

“There will always be haters.” 

“I cannot imagine the suffering that person [the hater] must be going through.”

Do you have someone who continually does hurtful things to you? You might have no idea what triggered the dislike. Or, you know exactly what created the wounds that have become their identify. It is safe to say that each of us has at least one person who does not like us. And, we have no clue how to heal that hurt. If we are honest, we may find our self acknowledging that we are in the same place — being unable to let go of a perceived transgression of another. 

What do we do when we find our self on either side of this equation? We can rest in our impotence and frustration or we can dive deeply into the well of our compassion. Within these refreshing waters, we recognize the power of compassion to release suffering and heal old wounds. First, we attend to our wounds. We soothe our own suffering while fully recognizing that we may never change the behavior or attitude of the other. 

Whenever I am blindsided by the active dislike of another, I become quiet and enter my silence. There I reflect upon the relationship and the roots of joint suffering. Within the embrace of self compassion, I own my humanness and flaws as I acknowledge the other’s suffering. I identify my woundedness and intend that compassion heals those sore spots. 

I ask myself if there is something tangible or intangible that I can do to reconcile the relationship. Connecting with compassion at the source, I listen to what I need to do. Then I act in whatever way is most compassionate. Often it is an energetic intent that the connection between us be healed. Sometimes it is tangibly reaching out to another.

No matter how I choose to share compassion, I realize that within each of these hurts lay opportunity. Each time someone expresses passive or active animosity to me is a catalyst for looking at my role in triggering that person’s woundedness. (While I am not responsible for their ongoing behavior, my actions may have uncovered a deep wound.) I also ask if this person’s behavior is a mirror of my own. If so, I question how I can be compassion’s presence. To learn from the experience, I name the hurt that I cannot release. And, I trust that this identification is the beginning of releasing my suffering.  This process is not easy; it takes courageous mindfulness. 

Compassionate resolution requires courage and daring. While I cannot shift another’s animosity toward me or heal the real or perceived hurt of another, I can change my behavior toward those who dislike me and those to whom I feel animosity. With compassion, I heal my personal wounds, and it become easier to no longer take the reactions of others personally. 

The power of compassion directed internally and externally paves the path of transformation. Internally, I identify the roots of my suffering. These roots usually are growing in the fertile soil of my fears. Self compassion addresses and heals the woundedness resulting from these fears. In this healing, I change the way that I see myself; the transformation of my reflection into the world occurs. 

External compassion is more difficult in these circumstances. I have yet to find someone who is not feeling some level of disturbance when someone reacts negatively to them. The key is to not take their animosity personally. I remind myself that haters are going to hate not because they are wired to hate but because they are suffering; I unconsciously tore the scab from that wound. I can choose to react to their angst or I can practice loving kindness.

This is the difficult work of compassion. It is the compassion of not two, not one. We are asked to simultaneously direct compassion to our self while being compassion to the other. Total awareness in the moment is required so that we do not get hooked by the suffering of another. We must be healed as individuals so that the relationship is healed. As we strive to not be hooked by the behavior of another, we choose to not take their anger personally while acknowledging that their behavior does, in fact, hurt us. Not two, not one. 

I believe that haters are only haters until we can raise the level of consciousness of our self, others, and community to one of compassionate presence. Animosity slips away only when the hater and the hatee recognize the suffering is mutual and take strides to alleviate their personal internal suffering and the external suffering of the other. 

Vanessa F. Hurst, ms,  is a Mindful Coach, Compassion Consultant, Professional Speaker, and Author who weaves her inner wisdom into all she touches. Contact Vanessa @ hurst.vanessa@gmail.com

Her books are A Constellation of Connections: Contemplative Relationships and Engaging Compassion Through Intent & Action.

Website / LinkedIn Profile / Facebook / Twitter: @fyrserpent